Support July 10, 2009

You know someone’s an integrated part of the family when they spend the weekend with ones parents…without you yourself being around. My dear Bear has left today to travel to our summer home together with his parents to be with my parents, while I stay behind. And work. Yay.

Oh well, it’s all coming back as a yummy little load of money at the end of the summer. And  I have our cats that like to take his spot in bed when he’s not around.

Last post I wrote wasn’t of the happy sort I know. It’s funny how just getting the chance to ventilate can ease the weight tenfold. And some time with ones significant other. And a reply from a company that I wrote to about a month ago.

Maybe there’s a light in the end of the tunnel after all.

Kisses to all.

Worthless July 9, 2009

Usually it takes about a month for the “I-can-take-on-the-world” feeling that I get from my India visits to wear off. This time it’s taken half a year, but it  sucks none the less. I thought that this time the feeling would stick around, that somehow, I’d found a way to keep myself happy. Slowly though, I’m noticing how I feel that things just aren’t worth the effort, or that I’m not good enough anyway… or some other excuse.

I’m not sure of where my path in life lies, and where that feeling was liberating before, it has now been replaced with the feeling of a weight on my shoulders, like if I don’t figure it out soon, if I don’t find my meaning, goal or passion in life I’m just going to turn into a bitter housewife.

I was the happiest when I was barely at home. When I had plans. When I was so busy working, apprenticing, being involved in politics that I didn’t have the time to be at home. What does that say?

What am I now? I have no plans, I’m not involved, I’m not challenging myself. I’m nothing. If a person isn’t doing anything with their lives, if they’re not challenging themselves, learning something new… if they’re just drifting, what’s the point? Is that why people believe in god, because that means that there’s more to life? Maybe it gives them a goal by default?

Personally I don’t believe in an afterlife other than the nutrients my body will give to the earth to feed the flowers, trees and whatever other naturally wonderful thing mother earth consists of. No religion means that this one life I have, counts. It should be lived as the one chance I have to be whatever I want to be, whatever I can be, because this can’t be it.

Right now I’m just so afraid of failing, of being a looser, that I’m stunted. My fear is making me a drifter. The one thing I was so happy to no longer be.

Bitter kisses to all

Bedtime? July 6, 2009

You know you’re bored when you’re waiting for time to go by so you can go to bed.  

I’ve had a *long* day at work lasting about 2.5 hours and have since then not known what the hell to do with myself. I mean there’s stuff ofcourse, but I can’t seem to kick start myself. Thus I’m stuck on the soffa playing stupid facebook games hoping for time to go by. So sad. 

In all seriousness, I’ve noticed that I need to plan my days for anythign to get done. Once I do the day disappears out of my grasp to such leangths I even forget to eat. Like for example, I had planned that the weekend just passed was to be used for painting, and thus, now I’ve have finally painted the hallway (only took about two years and few paint splatters on our cats. )… at the cost of a meal of two. If, on the other hand I go to bed with no plan the next day day, like yesterday/today, I’m toast and I end being bored out of my mind. I could make plans with friends of course but I’m so low on cash I’d rather not. And I’m having one those phases. 

Alright, so tomorrow the plan is to do fun stuff like cleaning the apartment and therafter cool stuff like laying puzzles.

Yay, for planning!

Shit day July 1, 2009

Gah!

Sometimes I really hate my job.. But I guess that applies for all jobs at some point… And could have to do with the fact that I’m in a shitty mood and don’t want to be at work either.

Looking forward to this weekend when I finally have two day off in a row. I’m getting a wee bit irritative.

Bitter kisses to all

YES! June 27, 2009

…After getting so annoyed at the politicians here in Sweden earlier today, I’m glad to read something actually worth reading. Again a quick translation: One of our politicians wants our criminal youths to wear fetters instead of sending them off to juvenile homes that let them meet other criminal youths. One criticism this idea got though, was that a fetters are an alternative to jail and it is not ok to send kids to jail.

Alright. So kids shouldn’t be allowed to go to jail… but how are juvenile homes better? How on earth is letting kids go to school, be a part of society (albeight in restricted form), and be around family harsher than sending them to juvenile homes to hang out with other criminals? I wonder if the criticizer was just saying no without considering the alternative? Anyway, I don’t get it, so please someone explain. But until then it’s nice to read an article that wasn’t completely bias or about some ones stupidity.

Yay, for journalists who actually write interesting articles sometimes!

Cheers.

Stupidity June 27, 2009

Seriously, the more I read the newspaper, the more I think that people in general, are very stupid. I’m not classing myself as highly intellectual, or even higher than average, but come on…

Maybe I’m just having a bad and irritative day, had a bad start of the day after all.

On a positiv aspect I can now apparantly run 3 km without getting a heart attack.  Althought this is on a running machine, I have a feeling it’s a little easier to do 3 km on one of those than free style.

Kisses to all.

Legalising “drugs” June 27, 2009

I just read an article on hd again that made me want to have a discussion with the writer. For the non-swedish readers, it’s basically a politician worried that denmark has “given up” in the question of canabis use and therefor legalising it.

Ok, first of all, he never brings up why it’s a social problem, and thus why we should worry. I mean, we’ve all learnt that cannabis drugs and that drugs are bad. But why?? Alcohol is worse for us than canabis and yet alcohol is legal. Some scientists even compare the addictiveness of canabis to coffee. I myself used to be a regular user and decided after a few years of usage that I was over-using it and quit.

Ok, your argument here could be, “well if it isn’t dangerous, why’d you quit?”. I’m sorry to say that that argument just doesn’t cut it. I decided to quit tv because I’d started “using” it too often, shall we make tv’s illegal? (tv is btw harder to quit than canabis) How about coffee which is something I try to stay away from because I don’t like the effect it has on me. Or the classic one: alcohol? …The addictiveness of which is by the way compared to cocaine.

Just like with alcohol it’s something most people grow out of as lifes responsibilties catches up with us and the ones who don’t grow out of it, wouldn’t have been effected by a little law none the less. Most people, believe it or not, actually have a sense of responsibility, and as “drugs” like canabis aren’t physically addictive the way so many drugs like even alcohol are, I just don’t see the point.

I’m not sure myself where I stand in te debate of legalising canabis but articles like this make me so tired. Tired of arguments based on ignorance. And tired of the idea that society has to  be protected from itself. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again. Society is like a kid. The harder you hold on to it, the more it’s going to rebel, and the more incapable the kid is going to be in taking care of itself. After all, why should it take any responsibility when it’s got its authorities to rely on to take over its responsibilities?

Cheers

Cooking Queen June 25, 2009

I went from having been very bored the past two days to having so much to do I’ve forgotten to eat. Went training, cleaned the apartment a bit cuz I’m having guests over to make banoffie pie tonight, gone shopping for foods and stuff and then since then basically been in the kitchen attempting to make a vegetarian lasagne. Been a while since I’ve spent this much time in the kitchen! And I still have a banoffie pie to make! …Atleast that craves no cooking, baking or frying.

I usually make a killer lasagna but that with the beloved meat. And qourn is scary because I’m not sure how it’s to be handled. I hate cooking enough as it is, so I don’t want to make it even less fun. Thus, I whipped out another lasagne that seemed cheap to make and made an effort.

The thing is, I get so stressed from cooking that my dear Bear knew to leave me alone when he got home from work. The most attention I got being a quick kiss before he left to go training. (Got to love an understanding boyfriend!) The stress of it all has given me a sense of achievment though which is a nice feeling, even if I realized after putting the lasagna into the oven that I’d forgotten an ingredient. Oh well! At least I did my best. I hope it at least deserves a white lie of how good it was from the guests! I don’t after all want my stressful food being critisized. Any kind of critisizm over my food keeps me away from either the kitchen  for awhile of that course for almost forever.

I know, I’m all drama.

Sweet kisses to all!

 

BORED! June 24, 2009

Being bored is truly not a good thing. I haven’t been this grupmy for awhile and I think it’s because I’m getting too much time to think. Quite the hassle. When I’m bored I usually want to eat as well but that’s not going to make it any better, because 1) I’m tired of feeling fat, 2) When I’m eating I miss the TV. 

For a person with no hobbies, it’s hard to find things to do without a tv I’m realizing. I tried drawing a couple of hours ago but found that to be such a bore I was reminded of why I quit. The things I have left is to do stuff around the house but I refuse to turn into a damned housewife.

What else is there?

Bitter kisses to all

Serial Watcher June 23, 2009

Not having a tv is a hell of a lot harder than one would think. I actually found ways around it by watching series non stop over the internet instead. At least it’s not that easy to see series online, without downloading it. 

It’s funny though, when trying to give up smoking one’s supposed to recognise when it is that one wants a cigarette the most and what one can do instead. If one would happen to make a blunder and take a cigarette anyway, then one has to start all over with the motivation. I’m finding myself doing the same thing now, with the tv. 

I’m recognising that the hardest times for me not to have a tv is when I’m eating by myself. For breakfast i’ve realized that I can read te newspaper instead, but haven’t figured anything out for dinner just yet, because reading a book is too heavy while eating. I’m also noticing that once I watch something that’s easy to get ahold of, I’m stuck, and I waste the day doing exactly the thing I wanted to get away from… being a couch potatoe. I am noticing though that if I put on music it doesn’t feel so bad, I guess I just need the noise. 

It’s a process!

Kisses to all.