Wah!

Fy Faaan, vad jag är trött på detta jobb. Det hjälper ju klart inte att jag gnäller om det hela tiden, men… fy faan, vad jag är trött på detta jobb. Jag tror att det är pga av att jag letar jobb just nu som gör att det känns så jobbigt just nu. Applying for work reminds you of why you want to quit the present one.

It’s not just that though, I seem to have hit some kind of low again. My psykiatrist decided all of a sudden that my lows were of my own failing and not being able to handle that little piece of news I reverted to most of my bad habits from high school . I’m tired of being jerked around by them so I thought I’d try and take care of it on my own and to stop considering myself a girl with depression and see if it’s jsut a joke that my mind is playing on me. I’m going about it in all the wrong ways though. The whoel of last week I spent my days playing computer games and my evening reading books and pushed everything that needs to get done out of my mind. I’m just feeling tired of a lot of the people around me and have none of the motivation I used to for the different aktivities I’ve been keeping up lately. I’d gladly blame my therapist(s) since everyone I talk to seem to think that keeping busy is a problem but my life is my responsibility, isn’t it? It’s just hard to find the motivation to keep them going now. I realize that I keep 100 things going without a break like I was attempting to do before, is not a possibility, but now it feels like they just want to me to be at home adn feel sorry for myself.

I don’t know. I’ve worked hard at getting rid of all the things that get me down, to gain a more healthy structure in the way I think and what I do, and I know I’ve done huge improvements. Now it just feels like being too good just bites you in the ass.

Feeling so tense I could brek something… which is probably another reason for why I’m disliking the job so much at the moment. I mean, here it’s the same thing. Preseterar man för mycket så får man skit för det.

I’m just rambling, so don’t take anything here too seriously now. I’m feeling better just getting the chance to ventilate. Kind of like teaopot that needs to let out all that hot air.

Damn, my Dear bear must be part crazy to put up with all these pent up emotions I have now and then.

But now, I feel much better again. Maybe I don’t need any therapists as long as I have this bloggspot to vent towards… Even more reason for moving my blogg somewhere more “private”.

Cheers!

Shit

Me and my mind have had a very tough day yesterday… You have no idea how thankful I am to have such a patient partner. He got me out of the worst of it (and then a letter from the party did the rest). I realize that politics is considered an ugly game by most, but it seems to be doing me good.  Only problem now is that I’ve lost my trust in doctors again which is a pity. but that’s something I’m just going to have to snap out of at some point. For now though, I’m not answering any calls that I can’t see the number off, in case it’s one of them or in case it’s a call I’m not ready to deal with.

I”m glad that I’m barely working anything this week.

Three completely different points

Clothes washed, bills payed (well, at least until I locked my account by mistake), dishes done, falafel made and friends enjoyed. Tomorrow, my darling is coming home, and it’s just on time for me to start missing him!

Me and a few friends have today daydreamed about the idea of buying a big house next to the beach and living in it together. Ah, if it only were a possibility!

There’s a girl that I know since I moved here that I’ve had a hate/love relation towards since that first day I got to know her. It’s all plain jealousy, which is a petty emotion, but they’re there none the less. I follow her blog a little now then when I feel like I’m strong enough to not fall for petty emotions so usually I don’t. Today I did… and realized why I usually get so green reading it. She’s a wonderful writer. It depicts of a strong and delightfully funny girl who loves life to such an extent that everything is an adventure meant to be enjoyed. The way my father is, the way I want to be. It reminds of the limitations of my mental stamina, it reminds me that it takes patience to befriend me. What bugs me even more is that this girl probably doesn’t give me a second thought despite leaving such an impresssion on me. But that’s just the way it is.

None the less, today, I was able to just read it with a clear mind, without any feelings of jealousy. I just enjoyed a good read and had no need to compare myself to her. Imagine if one could feel like that always!

Sweet dreams!

Ah, Lovely Saturdays

I can always count on Saturdays to be good! All thanks to the people that join me, of course!

Now to make it even more perfect, I just need my parents to get online on skype since they don’t seem to be answering my e-mails!

Lots of exclamation marks, but it’s just because I’m happy. My dear Bear is gone fo the weekend which means that I get reminded of how much I love him (good feeling) and my friends are awesome, and oh, it’s saturday! Tonight it’s falafel time and lets hope that I don’t burn my arm on hot oil this time around!

Until then though, I have to do some of the not so pleasant stuff like paying the bills, look for work, and clean a little bit. But that’s ok! …It’s Saturday!

Cheers!

Nothing learnt, nothing gained

I’m getting a little confused about what I put up as a general post on my facebook account, and what I write here. This week, none the less, I’ve looked forward to it being highly interesting. It is even on the limit of being to much to deal with but so far, so good. Monday was my first meeting with my party’s committee. Tuesday (yesterday) was my first salsa lesson (which ended up being much more enjoyable than this dance-fobic author imagined). Today was my first experience has a host for some couchsurfers and on Friday I’m going a little group for a “weightloss challenge” for the first time. It’s good that there’s so much stuff that makes life enjoyable.

Today, after coming home after meditation, dinner and a beer I also found a mail from the party asking me torepresent them in questions regarding Helsingborgs infrastructure and it’s building plans as well as the city’s social, economic and environmental growth. Yikes! It probably sounds a lot more than it actually is, but still… yikes. I’m going to have to sleep on it as well as take the day tomorrow to think on it. I mean… it’s not the questions that I burn for…  but out of the 5 groups, there are others that I can imagine to work with even less, and it is a chance to progress as well. It’s a chance like no other and one can’t have everything right from the start right? This is such a great way of showing my face as well gaining massive amounts of knowledge regarding politics, working with people, leadership, and so much more.

What do you say? Yes or no?

Either way, while I try and figure this out I’ll just continue and enjoy my highly experimental week.

Cheers!

Irony

This past half year I’ve been struggling to not take on too much work. Now, after hearing my boss’ sigh of relief over me being able to work many more hours than was initially thought (due to my little break from college) you can imagine my surprise to find out that I’ll be working the exact amount of time I could work as a student, and nothing more. Heh, well that’s the way it works with an hourly based employment. I’m also almost solely working days which, as I’ve often voiced, I’m not a very big fan of. Ah well, on a positive note atleast im getting all the time I want for all my little side projects without tiring myself out! On a slightely more realistic note, even if the jobb is a truly perfect student jobb, it’s time I move on!

Playing Dominos

As much as I’ve hated it down here at times… I’m glad I moved. I’m not so sure I would’ve become who I am now a days if I hadn’t. I wonder if I still would’ve been that apathetic and lonely girl I was then otherwise? I looked better… I wore contacts, was 10kg skinnier and had flawless skin, but I wasn’t happy. As much as I miss being that pretty girl I was a few years back, I’m much happier being the girl who dares to believe that she has a bright future, dares to believe that the people she hangs out with now and then are truly her friends without them having to jump before a train to prove it, dares to hope. The only times I loose hope is when I singk into my depressions but atleast that’s better than never daring to consider or even think about it, because it felt too dark, too hopeless. My happiness then relied on my not thinking too much about it.

I’ve mentioned it before, maybe so many times that it’s getting repetitive, but I do so only because I wonder what my life would have been like if I hadn’t moved? I know that life situations are about a number of different decisions and consequences but I wonder where that first positive change was for me, for my life? Whatever it was, I’m just happy that that choice or consequence took place. Because I never thought I’d be the girl to be part of politics, to be planning a big gathering for a new years eve party two years from now and a smaller on for this summer. The girl to atleast try and take  care of the new students one term and who was a part of the school play for two years. The girl who’s found a guy that she’s actually getting happier and happier with as well as two cats to share her life with. The girl who’s enjoying the idea of slowly turning into a grown up because it doesn’t have to mean that life ends and found a new found respect for her family and everything they have to offer. This all in a matter of 3½ years.

So, to everybody and everything that was a part of the domino puzzle that helped form this… Thank you.

Sweet kisses to all.

Domu arigato mr. Roboto

What a day. Not because a lot of things have happened or even gone wrong, but because sometimes, my job, which in the end if the day has only got to do with statistics (how many missed calls, how much “idle” time I’ve taken, how many calls I’ve answered, etc etc) my brain just feels like mush. Not because it demands a lot of my mind but because it demands so little. For 7.5 hours I’m supposed to pretty much turn off my and in turn switch on whatever mechanical one-driven focus I have to smile, take calls, be quick, and not give a damn about what I find enjoyable. It’s hard to explain, buts it’s monotonous and so mechanical that it’s tiring. Therefor, today after coming home from work, all I needed was to feel like being myself again and relax.

It’s a good thing my Dear Bear went to a friends’ place as relaxing as myself means being damned antisocial and blurting out whatever’s on my mind.

Well, tomorrow I’m ready to face the world again. Train, have brunch with friends, do a good deed, maybe clean the apartment (if I get help) and even more maybe… Transcribe a little for my paper that I’ll turn in some day in the future. Is that too much planning? I hope not because Sunday I’m working again and I need to take advantage of this Saturday as much as I can!

Master of my own time

I haven’t worked regular office hours in a very long time. I fact, I don’t think I’ve worked regular office hours (as a norm) for a total of more than a year in the 9 years I’ve been working. Because of this I don’t often get the feeling of relief many get on Fridays, no the feeling of dread on Sunday evenings. Now though, after just two weeks of sort of working regular working hours I’ve already really started looking forward to Fridays. Partially because of our Saturday brunch tradition and partially because even if do work on weekends, it’s not the same kind of work we do during the weekdays (where it doesn’t seem to matter how much one tries to do a good job, because it just isn’t good enough.) The thing is though, I’ve only had one other job which had regular office hours, in an office space, and although I liked feeling all grown up-like, it was godawfully boring.

I have, now that I think about it, had an apprentice job that dealt with regular office hours. That wasn’t so bad as long as I was allowed to take things on my own level. Same reason for why I like the evening and weekend shifts more than the dayshift. During the evenings I am the boss over my own own time. Well, within limits. Which is exactly the way I like it.

I wonder what jobs there are out there that fits that discription? Regular office hours, but where I myself (within limits) choose the days layout.

Let me know if you figure anything out.

Grownup points

It always seemed to me like bringing friends home for dinner was such a grown up thing to do. If that’s true, I must slowly be turning into a grown up. I keep planning dinner dates with friends and now, for the first time I would really like to bring home a stranger to get to know her and her family better. Maybe it’s a little of the fact that she, being India, in such an open hearted way invited me (and my mother who’s also Indian) to come to the meditaion/to her home. Not so sure which, but it felt so very completely authentic. Such a lovely lady and it doesn’t hurt that she reminds me of my own very lovely mother! Either way, it made me realize that the idea of having people over for dinner has me completely hooked!

Ofcourse, I realize that it probably has a little bit to do with our Indian roots and, as is typical for foreigners, it’s always pleasant to meet others with a similar background.

None the less, I seem to be gathering what we in Swedish call “vuxenpoäng” (aka grownup points = for each grown up thing one does, one can exclaim to have gathered grownup points) which means that I have, without realizing it, become a grown up. Freaky that.

Kisses to all.