Interests and Thanks November 21, 2009

What an awesome day. The day has been full of politics and learning.

In a town about 2 hours away I’ve listened to proposals about how our party should relate to questions like work, climate and equality. I had the luck of having one of our provincial politicians to turn to with all my questions and who pointed out the who’s who of the liberal world. Next time maybe I’ll even feel secure enough to get up on stage and speak out what my own opinion is instead of just listening. At least, that’ll be my own personal challenge.

But oh am I enjoying this forum! Next time I hope I can stay for the whole weekend instead of just a day.

Lately I’ve been amazed at how lady luck seems to have been smiling towards me and now after talking to my Bear I’m realising that maybe it’s the fact that I’m interested that’s making the difference. I’m interested in the subject I’ve chosedn for my final paper so it feels pretty smooth going (at least much smoother than I thought it would be). I’m interested in politics and thus find ways to make it work and find the meetings to be enormously giving. I’m interested in making my life be a little bit less of a rollercoster ride and this have taken steps in trying to be a little less of a drama queen. Nothing’s perfect of course, but I feel damned lucky none the less.

Ok, I know, it’s not as easy as “just to find an interest”. I get that. I’ve had 27 years of trying to find things around me interesting. For me, getting rid of the TV was how I finally started finding things interesting (after 1 1/2 months of tv abstinens where the Bear had to deal with my shitty mood). And then it’s been pretty much a process of realizing of what ensured that I don’t miss that TV all that much (like not drinking massive amounts since having a hangover with no TV is not to be recommended). Thus, not having any really easy solutions to spend my free time on, I’ve been forced to find things to do and realized that different things I earlier thought craved too much from me are actually all the more enjoyable.

The more energy is put behind it, the more pleasure there is to reap from it. Right?

Anyway, despite my lows, my good days are starting to feel pretty darned balanced and I’m thankful for a lot of things. The fact that I have such great parents, a great Bear to turn to and love and friends that accept me for who I am. I have the possibilty of going to college and having a job. I have interests that drive me forward and give me the chance to pat myself on the back for a job well done. I live in a town that offers all the help I can ask for.

…And the wisdom to appreciate it (atleast most of the time). I couldn’t ask for more.

Sweet kisses to all.

I wish… November 19, 2009

…that more people (myself included) could be more like my father. A patient listener. An interested listener. A listener who doesn’t try and fix the problem. It’s a talent not many have and is hard to achieve I think and I have a theories about why:

There needs to be a point. With no action there is no solution. This is in most part true, but sometimes it has to be ok to just be. I don’t believe in true altruism, in the end it’s about making oneself feel better. The same applies here. I want my loved ones to feel better but it’s equally important for me to feel useful. If I don’t feel like I can help solve the problem, I don’t have the patience. The patient listener trusts that it’s enough to just listen, and that the person talking has it within themselves to solve the problem.

And then there’s the interested listener. I’m interested as long as I can discuss it. Otherwise I’m not a good listener. That doesn’t work when it comes to someone elses thoughts and feelings, does it?

This is from my own point of view ofcourse, but I think it applies to most people aside from a chosen few… like my father.

Busy December November 17, 2009

December coming up and there’s a lot going on (as usual).

We’re planning on making a gingerbread house of our place in India and I know that a friend is going to have an evening making Lucia buns (as they’re apparantly called in english!).

The hungerprojekt is having an after work, a seminar at my school, and an end-of-the-year get together.

My paper with all that it entails should be more or less done by the end of the year and this despite work, christmas and new years eve.

Good thing I like having things to do!

Sweet kisses to all.

I’ve Gone From… November 13, 2009

…So little to do that I was starting to feel useless, to the limit of having too much to do. Screw my therapist. I can’t deal with having less to do. I don’t like who I turn into and the circles of thoughts that take over my brain. But, I know, it’s all about finding a balance and I think I’m entering one of my highs again (my shakes are returning a little) so it’s not working out all that well for me.

I’m happy right now though! Had an early morning seminar that was good if it hadn’t been for the presentator. A little study time where I found two books about depressions that seem so good that I’m going to buy them (that is, if I can find them). A quick meeting with the student unions vice president about the seminar coming up with the hunger project.

Soon: A meeting with my class mentor about my paper (lets hope he likes what I’ve written so far!) and then Ladies Night with some lovely english speakers I’ve gotten to know the past few months. Tomorrow it’s Malmö to listen to a student defend her doctoral thesis and on Sunday I’m working (and hopefully some training).

Like I said. Became a lot all of a sudden and I’m still making  plans for next week. My dear Bear’s an angel for putting up with me!

Sweet kisses to all.

It’s Obvious That… November 8, 2009

…I’ve slept all too much this weekend. I got up at 5.30 after about 4 hours of sleep feeling quiet awake! It’s been a while but I’ve actually been quite bored this weekend. Had stuff to do, but my mind decided that it was much more entertaining to sit and do nothing instead. Silly mind.

Oh well, there’s enough to fill my day today weather I want it to or not. Work now, shopping for food to last us a month right after and then dinner with the parent “in-laws” right after the shopping.

Ok, now I got tired.

Kisses to all

Reaching For the Stars November 7, 2009

I’ve been writing and exchanging so much with my parents this week that writing in the blogg has just felt… superflous (if that word can even be used in that sense). The little notes I write in facebook has also taken over a little bit. How sad is that?

Anyway, this week has been hell. I’ve been confused, lost and irritated at life and myself. At life for having set what felt like more hinders than encouregments. At myself for not being the type that can multitask as much I’d like. In some ways it’s been necassary though. As much as it sucks, I have to learn my limits at the same time as I reach for the skies. I have to make priorities even as I find many things interesting. It’s all about balance, isn’t it? Personally I find it quite boring to view life that way, so I haven’t cut down on ll that much but at least it’s a start. At least I got my motivation back to finish up school and my parents passed the test (they always do) in not pushing me into anything. Haha. In all honesty though, they’re amazing. They keep being just enough supportive and just enough of the wise parents for me to feel like I’m still the boss over my own life without loosing my way in very dark roads.

I’m surrounded by amazing people though. My dear Bear for his amazing strength and willpower with me and amazing characteristic of always trying to be better. A for going through such hardships that would have made lesser people falter. L for having such an enormous heart. J for always being willing to try something new. The little family of three that amaze me for their inner strength and being so comfortable in their own skin. My boss for always trying to be fair without loosing face. And my parents.

And there ae so many more… E for her high energy, A for her openmindedness. The list goes on and on. This is what makes it so hard to limit myself. All of these people introduce me to a world that I want to get better acquintance with.

I have an innate feeling that I am meant to be /could be a part of something great and awesome, but I feel like my body and mind is too small for all the things I want to achieve. Quite frusterating.

Sweet kisses to all.

Apparantly… November 3, 2009

…I have way too much on my plate that I’m dealing with… which I knew to be true even before my therapist pointed it out to me. She listed it all upp for me and after a little discussion I’m starting to realize why I kept feeling like I kept bashing my head to the wall. Most of the things on my plate are about pure “will”. The only thing that isn’t completely realiant on my will power is work, which would explain why that one usually makes me feel better at the end. It’s also sort of true with my driving lessons because if I don’t cancel it in time and decide not to go, my dad pays 500kr for nothing. Those are my two responsibilities where others rely on my and thus, not completely reliant on my willpower.

Thus, I’ve been told to make a kind of priority list from what matters the most to until my brain says “stop! that’s enough!”

My little family
Politics
Part-time job
Household chores
Friends
Training
—–
School and Aruma
Driving lessons
Marknadsföreningen
Hungerprojektet
Hobbies

The line is where my limit is (I think)… But see, that line is nowhere near realistic. For one reason only. The school. Without the economical support I get to go to school, there’s no chance I’d be able to manage to survive on just a part-time job, Of course, I could get a full time job because the day shifts are where the least stuff happens but then I’d be on the verge of having too much to do again.There’s no way I can take care of household chores, being in a relationship, a full time job and as a fourth: politics for example, or friends, or training. The job takes 9 hours of my day, the chores take atleast two. The fourth choices take about 3 hours and so does a relationship. Granted, I wont be spending 3 hours on the fourth AND 3 hours on relationship everyday, but where relationship wouldn’t be getting the hours, the fourth choice would, and vice versa. So where’s my free time? And what’s a sensible way of dividing relationship and personal life choices?

It’s all hard questions for me. At least I think I’ve pretty much decided on the form of the list… now I just need to figure out how to balance personal life choices and having a relationship. (Because neither are up for debate in being taken of the list!)

Kisses to all.

Frou Frou – “Let Go” October 30, 2009

drink up, baby down
mmm, are you in or are you out
leave your things behind
’cause it’s all going off without you
excuse me, too busy you’re writing your tragedy
these mishaps
you bubble wrap
when you’ve no idea what you’re like

so let go, jump in
oh well, whatcha waiting for
it’s alright
’cause there’s beauty in the breakdown
so let go, just get in
oh, it’s so amazing here
it’s alright
’cause there’s beauty in the breakdown

it gains the more it gives
and then it rises with the fall
so hand me that remote
can’t you see that all that stuff’s a sideshow

such boundless pleasure
we’ve no time for later now
you can’t await your own arrival
you’ve 20 seconds to comply

so let go, jump in
oh well, whatcha waiting for
it’s alright
’cause there’s beauty in the breakdown
so let go, just get in
oh, it’s so amazing here
it’s alright
’cause there’s beauty in the breakdown

Get a Grip! October 29, 2009

Ah, woke up this morning for the first time in a week without feeling like I was coming out of a fever dream.

After spending the whole day yesterday in complete misery, I woke up today tired, but feeling much better. Hope it lasts for ateast a week this time so I can get some stuff done.

I’ve decided some things though, I have to make a trip to strengthen me… I need to make my volunteer trip soon. Maybe after this coming summer, before it’s too late and I can’t anymore.

Also, if I can’t get a grip of my school stuff by the end of the week, maybe I should reconsider putting my studying on a shelf and come back a little stronger after Christman. (Hope I get it sorted though.)

Bittersweet kisses to all.

Cat hell (to be stuck with me) October 28, 2009

I know it’s a horrrible thing to say, but sometimes, I would quite honestly like to strangle my cat. Anyone got any tips on how to get a whiny cat to shut the hell up!?

Atleast I know what the other one wants when that one whines… most of the time.

SHUT UP!