…I’ve slept all too much this weekend. I got up at 5.30 after about 4 hours of sleep feeling quiet awake! It’s been a while but I’ve actually been quite bored this weekend. Had stuff to do, but my mind decided that it was much more entertaining to sit and do nothing instead. Silly mind.

Oh well, there’s enough to fill my day today weather I want it to or not. Work now, shopping for food to last us a month right after and then dinner with the parent “in-laws” right after the shopping.

Ok, now I got tired.

Kisses to all

I’ve been writing and exchanging so much with my parents this week that writing in the blogg has just felt… superflous (if that word can even be used in that sense). The little notes I write in facebook has also taken over a little bit. How sad is that?

Anyway, this week has been hell. I’ve been confused, lost and irritated at life and myself. At life for having set what felt like more hinders than encouregments. At myself for not being the type that can multitask as much I’d like. In some ways it’s been necassary though. As much as it sucks, I have to learn my limits at the same time as I reach for the skies. I have to make priorities even as I find many things interesting. It’s all about balance, isn’t it? Personally I find it quite boring to view life that way, so I haven’t cut down on ll that much but at least it’s a start. At least I got my motivation back to finish up school and my parents passed the test (they always do) in not pushing me into anything. Haha. In all honesty though, they’re amazing. They keep being just enough supportive and just enough of the wise parents for me to feel like I’m still the boss over my own life without loosing my way in very dark roads.

I’m surrounded by amazing people though. My dear Bear for his amazing strength and willpower with me and amazing characteristic of always trying to be better. A for going through such hardships that would have made lesser people falter. L for having such an enormous heart. J for always being willing to try something new. The little family of three that amaze me for their inner strength and being so comfortable in their own skin. My boss for always trying to be fair without loosing face. And my parents.

And there ae so many more… E for her high energy, A for her openmindedness. The list goes on and on. This is what makes it so hard to limit myself. All of these people introduce me to a world that I want to get better acquintance with.

I have an innate feeling that I am meant to be /could be a part of something great and awesome, but I feel like my body and mind is too small for all the things I want to achieve. Quite frusterating.

Sweet kisses to all.

…I have way too much on my plate that I’m dealing with… which I knew to be true even before my therapist pointed it out to me. She listed it all upp for me and after a little discussion I’m starting to realize why I kept feeling like I kept bashing my head to the wall. Most of the things on my plate are about pure “will”. The only thing that isn’t completely realiant on my will power is work, which would explain why that one usually makes me feel better at the end. It’s also sort of true with my driving lessons because if I don’t cancel it in time and decide not to go, my dad pays 500kr for nothing. Those are my two responsibilities where others rely on my and thus, not completely reliant on my willpower.

Thus, I’ve been told to make a kind of priority list from what matters the most to until my brain says “stop! that’s enough!”

My little family
Politics
Part-time job
Household chores
Friends
Training
—–
School and Aruma
Driving lessons
Marknadsföreningen
Hungerprojektet
Hobbies

The line is where my limit is (I think)… But see, that line is nowhere near realistic. For one reason only. The school. Without the economical support I get to go to school, there’s no chance I’d be able to manage to survive on just a part-time job, Of course, I could get a full time job because the day shifts are where the least stuff happens but then I’d be on the verge of having too much to do again.There’s no way I can take care of household chores, being in a relationship, a full time job and as a fourth: politics for example, or friends, or training. The job takes 9 hours of my day, the chores take atleast two. The fourth choices take about 3 hours and so does a relationship. Granted, I wont be spending 3 hours on the fourth AND 3 hours on relationship everyday, but where relationship wouldn’t be getting the hours, the fourth choice would, and vice versa. So where’s my free time? And what’s a sensible way of dividing relationship and personal life choices?

It’s all hard questions for me. At least I think I’ve pretty much decided on the form of the list… now I just need to figure out how to balance personal life choices and having a relationship. (Because neither are up for debate in being taken of the list!)

Kisses to all.

drink up, baby down
mmm, are you in or are you out
leave your things behind
’cause it’s all going off without you
excuse me, too busy you’re writing your tragedy
these mishaps
you bubble wrap
when you’ve no idea what you’re like

so let go, jump in
oh well, whatcha waiting for
it’s alright
’cause there’s beauty in the breakdown
so let go, just get in
oh, it’s so amazing here
it’s alright
’cause there’s beauty in the breakdown

it gains the more it gives
and then it rises with the fall
so hand me that remote
can’t you see that all that stuff’s a sideshow

such boundless pleasure
we’ve no time for later now
you can’t await your own arrival
you’ve 20 seconds to comply

so let go, jump in
oh well, whatcha waiting for
it’s alright
’cause there’s beauty in the breakdown
so let go, just get in
oh, it’s so amazing here
it’s alright
’cause there’s beauty in the breakdown

Ah, woke up this morning for the first time in a week without feeling like I was coming out of a fever dream.

After spending the whole day yesterday in complete misery, I woke up today tired, but feeling much better. Hope it lasts for ateast a week this time so I can get some stuff done.

I’ve decided some things though, I have to make a trip to strengthen me… I need to make my volunteer trip soon. Maybe after this coming summer, before it’s too late and I can’t anymore.

Also, if I can’t get a grip of my school stuff by the end of the week, maybe I should reconsider putting my studying on a shelf and come back a little stronger after Christman. (Hope I get it sorted though.)

Bittersweet kisses to all.

I know it’s a horrrible thing to say, but sometimes, I would quite honestly like to strangle my cat. Anyone got any tips on how to get a whiny cat to shut the hell up!?

Atleast I know what the other one wants when that one whines… most of the time.

SHUT UP!

I’m finding it harder and harder to find the motivation to go to bed at night… and to get up in the mornings. Obviously the two go hand in hand, but annoying none the less. School’s paying a big price because of it. I find myself not wanting to do anything outside the home that I don’t HAVE to. You know, the things where I owe it to others that I show up.

It’s so silly really, it’s the second to last term and, as usual, I loose interest in the end. Not that the interest in my program has ever been all that high, but now there’s none.

I hate being this lethargic, it’s aweful.

I can’t find the motivation to stop eating quite so much – I find every excuse I can find for why I can eat.

I can’t find the motivation to finish up Aruma –  I love the idea behind it but am more and more starting to feel like I’m not the right person for the job.

I can’t find the motivation to go to school – I don’t feel that there’s any reason.

I have though, gotten started on my halloween dress. I guess that’s something. (Too bad it’s just nothing that I can actually put to good ecnomical use. Especially when I, like the Bear put it about something else, I’m the kind to loose interest in the end anyway.

Bitter kisses to all.

I’ve updated my photos! Go see!

I thought to be Carrie for Halloween and as part of the challenge this Haloween is to make the costume yourself I thought I’d inaugerate my moms old sowing machine and make the dress myself. I have no idea how to sow so I found this googling:

from wikiHow

Everyone wants to look good at formal events like a ball, cocktail party or prom, but let’s face it – dresses can cost a fortune. If you are on a tight budget, here is how to make a simple but effective dress without a pattern.Read through all instructions before beginning this project.

Steps

1. Choose a good fabric. Use whatever works. The best fabric is stretchy. Try experimenting with different colors and styles.
2. Take a large (like a small blanket or a very large towel) piece of fabric and wrap it around yourself below your armpits while standing in front of a mirror. If it doesn’t look good, try a different fabric or style of wrapping.
3. Remove the fabric and turn it inside – out so that the part that will be the outside when you are finished is now on the inside.
4. Hold the cloth together with your left hand and pin the cloth around yourself with your right hand (or the other way around if you’re a leftie) so that it stays on and maintains your figure. You may want to use safety pins because regular pins fall out easier and they can stab you. The lowest pin should be between mid-thigh height and where the edge of the lowest skirt you would ever wear in public would be.
5. Slide out of the cloth and lay it flat on the floor or table. Be very careful while doing this if using regular pins.
6. If you do not have a sewing machine, get thread to match the fabric and a needle and use small stitches to sew from the top edge of the fabric to the lowest stitch. If you do have a sewing machine, that will make your job easier and a lot faster. Remove the pins.
7. Try the dress on again. Note the way that the excess cloth will drape down. You may want to cut both layers of excess cloth diagonally from the outside top corner to the place where you stopped sewing. This will prevent it from dragging on the ground and being excessively drapey. The excess cloth should be on the SIDE and NOT dead-center. If you wish to make it dead-center, turn the dress inside-out again and sew the cloth together all the way to the bottom. This looks better if it’s centered at the back than at the front.
8. Fix the edges and enjoy.

Seems easy enough to make in about 3 days, no? Lets hope so!

I’m tired of writing about my mood swings, but even my shrink thinks this blog is a good idea for me to keep track of myself.

Anyway, I’ve had an awesome weekend. My cold did end up getting worse but my partner in crime (the girl I hosted the party with) wouldn’t let me off the hook all too easily (which I’m glad for) and the party took place anyway. It became a wonderful mix of people and our “dream sheet” where everyone was to write their dreams became real interesting. Found out some things about some people that surprised me, and I realized how interesting everyone really are, if one can just inte their brains! Wish I could frame it.

Everybody got some cheat notes that they had to use when talking to people which I loved. It gave me a good reason to mingel and I know at least one who usually finds it  hard to initiate a conversation who found them really useful! I stuck to whiskey the whole evening and my cold was actually close to gone by the time I went to bed. Got to love whiskey! I held a pleasant tipsiness the whole evening which was perfect which (hopefully) ensured a pleasant Maina throughout the party and  without a hangover the next day. Lovely!

I’m such a after-party-cleaner so I usually wake up to a nice clean apartment which is wonderful (especially considering the thorough cleaning jobb I usually do before the party). The Bear has found a wonderful café to have breakfast in which he took me to also (perfect way of laying back after having a party) and I really want to try and make a little tradition of having breakfast there every saturday with/without friends!

We went to a little walk to get him some jeans and I, as usual when going shopping with him, wished  I could use him as my sugardaddy. We came home and enjoyed an all around relaxed evening with movies and eachothers company. I missed the salsa outing some friends were having because I had to get up so early for work today but that’s ok. Next time!

The only thing worrying me a little bit right now is all the stuff going on this coming week. All of them equally important and all of it together making my chest crunch from the stress. But atleast I know that, atleast when I’m not being depressive, that I can handle it if I make an effort, and if I do, I usually come out of it feeling 10 feet tall and unbeatable. …I just need to make sure to rest properly afterwards. Especially after a week like this up coming one where my limit and comfortzone will be tested to its limits!

Anyway, I’m so hungry my brains turning fuzzy so it feels like I’m having a hard timewriting coherently. (one more hour of work!)

Sweet kisses to all!