For all my talk about being lucky I’m starting to realize that I kind of need myself to by lucky because I don’t handle disappointments very well. I’m getting better at not letting myself sink and sulk, but damn it’s a struggle! I would really like to just let myself be a little down, just for a little bit and nt be so freaking cheery about everything but it’s not really a choice. Sulking just a little bit is my highway to hell, and I’m not in the mood to be a depressive.

But it’s hard to constantly try to be strong when all one wants to do is lean on something.

Bittersweet kisses

 I don’t know how it is in other parts of the world (especially since I don’t usually celebrate christmas in the first place) but here, in Sweden. There’s period of about a month where restuarants offer a buffé of chistmas foods. And the local vegetarian restaurant is offering 4 days with the vegetarian version of this. I love the idea, especially since I pretty much only eat meat when I don’t have a choice now a days. My vegetarian friends and my darling Bear who’s up for trying out most things went along with idea (probably because we both know we’ll get all the christmas food we want at his parents plac for christmas) are ofcourse up to it, but one could think that the thought of vegetarian christmas food leaves a bad taste!

Had someone asked me a year ago though, I probably would have have said no as well. Mostly because I wouldn’t have liked the idea of spending 350kr (about 34 euros) on something that then would’ve sounded quite distasteful. Thus, I don’t completely blame their closed minds.

Sweet kisses to all the vegetarians out there!

As a kid I used to be (unless we went on a family trip somewhere) so ultimatly bored during summer and winter vacations that I would spend hours putting all my thoughts down in my diary or planning (scheduling) out how my days were to be once we returned home to whatever country was home at the time. Something in the likes of: 07.00 wake up, 7.15 take a shower, 7.45 breakfast, and so and so forth. Granted, I’m a spoiled brat because summer and winter vacations were usually either spent in either our summer place in Sweden or our place in India, but none the less, I was bored. These schedules, of course, were never put to use because I was, after a 13 year old little runt with no actual drive to  do anything that meant making an effort… you know, like waking up at 7 am.

Now, about 15 years later though (god, I’m getting old), as I was sitting an silently (or not) panicking about all the stuff I want to get done when I remembered all those little schedules I used to make for myself. Thus, last night, I sat down and scheduled out my day three days forward. So far, so good! I’ve washed clothes, cleaned the apartment, taken out the wash (I always realize before going to bed that there’s some wet laundry that been waiting for more than a fw hours to get hung), had breakfast, taken my pills (never remember to take the morning ones), done some school work and had lunch. And I’m pretty much right on cue!

I’ve even planned in my breaks (which is now) as I’ve realized that I’m privy to forgetting to take care of myself amidst all my plans.

(Maybe this scheduling thing is not all that bad of an idea!)

Sweet kisses to all!

Todays schedule:
6.00 wash clothes
6.10 clean apartment
8.00 take out wash
8.10 breakfast
(timeout)
9.00 transcribe interview
12.00 lunch
(timeout
13.30 research
15.30 go to work
20.15 Shop for food
20.30 Beartime

]]> http://nightabove.wordpress.com/2009/11/25/learning-from-the-past/feed/ 0 nightabove http://nightabove.wordpress.com/2009/11/24/lucky-me/ http://nightabove.wordpress.com/2009/11/24/lucky-me/#comments Tue, 24 Nov 2009 15:37:32 +0000 nightabove http://nightabove.wordpress.com/?p=1461 ]]>

The day has just disappeared!

My Bear is a little sick so I didn’t wake up all by myself as I usually do, which was nice. But after watching half of “Heavy Metal in Baghdad” I realized that I I had to run off to get to the store in time to buy a voice recorder for the intervju I was to have for my paper. (The digital voice recorder is tiny btw, compared to the chunky analog thing I got from school ). As I sit down in the library to get myself comfortable and ready for the interview I realize I left all my questions at home! Since my dear Bear was sick I gave my knight a quick call for him to send it so that I could get it to my iphone (aka my baby). All hurdles thereby overcome for my first interview!

Apparantly the person I was to interwiew is an author and thus I gained a contact, two free books (signed) about the subject I’m writing about and half an interview (being an author she had quite a lot to say and thus we have to tae the rst of it another time). The funny thing is, as we were getting up to finish up the interview our neighbour leaned over and said that he too was interested in the subject and thus got the chance to interview one more person today. Good days work, wouldn’t you say?

I get home, have lunch, finish up “Heavy Metal in Baghdad” and write this post… and I’m off to work.

Speaking of… I have to leave if I’m to get there in time!

Sweet kisses to all!

I must be getting better since I haven’t felt like this again since september. (I found it under “drafts”):

—-

I’m starting to think too much again.

The clarity in which I saw everything just a while ago has become grainy. I wonder if it isn’t just me trying to find something wrong with myself that’s tying me upp in a bundle all the time. I don’t know. Maybe I’m not depressive, I’ve just convinced myself of it. Just like I had convinced myself before that I was too different and/or strange to befriend. But how does that explain what happened today? How does that explain my brain just going blank, my eyes just looking ahead staring at nothing for hours? How does that explain me feeling so mentaly tired that I just want to sleep the day away? How does that explain my heart beating so heavily That it feel’s like all my energy is being used up just to keep it beating on the first place?

I think too much…

I must have started enjoying me weekends all of a sudden because I’m really not enjoying Mondays the way I used to. Before Monday kick started my restless soul because I thought weekends where so uninteresting. Now a days though, I greet Mondays with a heavy heart, knowing that I won’t be able to do the things I really want for another week. If even that since I work on the weekends. I shouldn’t complain though. Atleast I have stuff to do.

What an awesome day. The day has been full of politics and learning.

In a town about 2 hours away I’ve listened to proposals about how our party should relate to questions like work, climate and equality. I had the luck of having one of our provincial politicians to turn to with all my questions and who pointed out the who’s who of the liberal world. Next time maybe I’ll even feel secure enough to get up on stage and speak out what my own opinion is instead of just listening. At least, that’ll be my own personal challenge.

But oh am I enjoying this forum! Next time I hope I can stay for the whole weekend instead of just a day.

Lately I’ve been amazed at how lady luck seems to have been smiling towards me and now after talking to my Bear I’m realising that maybe it’s the fact that I’m interested that’s making the difference. I’m interested in the subject I’ve chosedn for my final paper so it feels pretty smooth going (at least much smoother than I thought it would be). I’m interested in politics and thus find ways to make it work and find the meetings to be enormously giving. I’m interested in making my life be a little bit less of a rollercoster ride and this have taken steps in trying to be a little less of a drama queen. Nothing’s perfect of course, but I feel damned lucky none the less.

Ok, I know, it’s not as easy as “just to find an interest”. I get that. I’ve had 27 years of trying to find things around me interesting. For me, getting rid of the TV was how I finally started finding things interesting (after 1 1/2 months of tv abstinens where the Bear had to deal with my shitty mood). And then it’s been pretty much a process of realizing of what ensured that I don’t miss that TV all that much (like not drinking massive amounts since having a hangover with no TV is not to be recommended). Thus, not having any really easy solutions to spend my free time on, I’ve been forced to find things to do and realized that different things I earlier thought craved too much from me are actually all the more enjoyable.

The more energy is put behind it, the more pleasure there is to reap from it. Right?

Anyway, despite my lows, my good days are starting to feel pretty darned balanced and I’m thankful for a lot of things. The fact that I have such great parents, a great Bear to turn to and love and friends that accept me for who I am. I have the possibilty of going to college and having a job. I have interests that drive me forward and give me the chance to pat myself on the back for a job well done. I live in a town that offers all the help I can ask for.

…And the wisdom to appreciate it (atleast most of the time). I couldn’t ask for more.

Sweet kisses to all.

…that more people (myself included) could be more like my father. A patient listener. An interested listener. A listener who doesn’t try and fix the problem. It’s a talent not many have and is hard to achieve I think and I have a theories about why:

There needs to be a point. With no action there is no solution. This is in most part true, but sometimes it has to be ok to just be. I don’t believe in true altruism, in the end it’s about making oneself feel better. The same applies here. I want my loved ones to feel better but it’s equally important for me to feel useful. If I don’t feel like I can help solve the problem, I don’t have the patience. The patient listener trusts that it’s enough to just listen, and that the person talking has it within themselves to solve the problem.

And then there’s the interested listener. I’m interested as long as I can discuss it. Otherwise I’m not a good listener. That doesn’t work when it comes to someone elses thoughts and feelings, does it?

This is from my own point of view ofcourse, but I think it applies to most people aside from a chosen few… like my father.

December coming up and there’s a lot going on (as usual).

We’re planning on making a gingerbread house of our place in India and I know that a friend is going to have an evening making Lucia buns (as they’re apparantly called in english!).

The hungerprojekt is having an after work, a seminar at my school, and an end-of-the-year get together.

My paper with all that it entails should be more or less done by the end of the year and this despite work, christmas and new years eve.

Good thing I like having things to do!

Sweet kisses to all.

…So little to do that I was starting to feel useless, to the limit of having too much to do. Screw my therapist. I can’t deal with having less to do. I don’t like who I turn into and the circles of thoughts that take over my brain. But, I know, it’s all about finding a balance and I think I’m entering one of my highs again (my shakes are returning a little) so it’s not working out all that well for me.

I’m happy right now though! Had an early morning seminar that was good if it hadn’t been for the presentator. A little study time where I found two books about depressions that seem so good that I’m going to buy them (that is, if I can find them). A quick meeting with the student unions vice president about the seminar coming up with the hunger project.

Soon: A meeting with my class mentor about my paper (lets hope he likes what I’ve written so far!) and then Ladies Night with some lovely english speakers I’ve gotten to know the past few months. Tomorrow it’s Malmö to listen to a student defend her doctoral thesis and on Sunday I’m working (and hopefully some training).

Like I said. Became a lot all of a sudden and I’m still making  plans for next week. My dear Bear’s an angel for putting up with me!

Sweet kisses to all.