Little Miss Busy-Body October 9, 2007

On popular demand, I’ve promised to write on this thing for a few weeks now. Hehe, I think my parents are right about the initial fascination over bloggwriting dicipating a bit. To be quite honest though, I feel like I’ve de-routed from my preliminary idea of why I started writing in this blogg. I wanted to write about everything but the things that’s always going on inside my head, and instead, it ’s become all about what’s going on in my manic depressive mind.

To be quite honest I don’t feel quite safe writing anymore because I feel like I have to justify why I write the way I do, about the things I write about. Why I feel the way I do. And I’ve come to realize that everything I do in my life is related to how I feel. I can’t, and I never will be like a lot of other people who can go about their world under the pretense that nothing really bugs them.

Ok, don’t get me wrong, I like my life, and I’m still keeping myself busy. According to me the days are still too god damn short! …But once in a while… more often than I care to admit, I crumble, my view of the world wavers as if for a moment I’m seeing the world through the illusion that I’ve put up for myself. Then, I don’t know what keeps bringing me back. Probably the fact that I have too many people around me that cares. Too many people whom I would hurt if I actually fell into the fucked up world of a full-blown depression. And to be quite honest, hurting them hurts me much, much more than whatever pain I can give myself.

None the less, you see what I mean, sometimes I don’t know what to write about besides these kinds of emotions.

But alright, in true diary form quite a few things has happened lately. The novischeri came and went. I think we did a good job. The last hurdle is getting the next generation of mentors/fadders together so more people get the chance to have the same kind (or even more) of fun.

As soon as that was over we had a moving in party and the weekend after that the Bear and a friend had a joint birthday party.

The first exam came and passed as well. Haven’t gotten the result back yet but hopefully I haven’t messed it up too bad.

The day before last we also went to a mustasch concert. I never realized how fun people-watching is on a concert! Birds-eye view is the best! haha. I have to say, there are some freaky fans out there. At one point the singer joined the crowd and as he was standing in the middle of it all one guy seemed to be in ecstasy when he got the chans to hold him as a friend. The singers “watchman” had to slap his hand away. Later into the concert I saw the freakiest of it all though. He had either wet his pants in refusal to go to the bathroom (god forbid he miss anything of the concert) or he had cum so hard watching his idol do his thing that he could barely stand straight. Either way, he’s a sad sod. He just kept standing there looking down on his pants and looking frusterated and then looking back at the singer and smiling again.

Yes, I know, I’m a socionom, I should have more understanding for humankind, but it must also be a little freaky for a person who’s under public scrutiny and relies on his fans to make any money. In some sick way, I guess both sides kind of need eachother.

So anyway, with all this going on, we STILL haven’t had the chance to finish fixing up our apartment. Well, atleast not the details that really make it “home” , but I DO have a few pictures of the apartment finally!

Compare it to this!

Rollin, rollin, rollin… :D September 3, 2007

Yay! I managed to get through the first weekend with the fadder aktivities without any bitch fights, dissapointments or scratches. haha. Seriously, it went great. I’ve written before that the reason for why I engaged myself into all this in the first place was because I truly believed that there was a spark that could be lit. (And if you remember, in my frusteration, I also wrote that apparantly no spark to be lit!) Well, now I’m thinking that even if there wasn’t a spark to be lit, there is a spark now that is ready for the next person to light it, and for the person after that to turn it into a blaze. Hopefully atleast, it will get that far some day. But for now I’m just happy that the new ones are so happy with the aktivities we’ve fixed, they want to join the schools activities, like the spex, the choir, the villas personell, you name it. Some of them have already decided that they want to be a fadder/mentor for the new students next term! One of the fadders want to do it again. Some of them have already decided that they want to be part of every single activity that we can offer. What a difference from my own and quite a few of the other terms novischeri.

I’m proud, can you tell? haha. But I couldn’t have done it without the rest of the fadders that have obviously done their part of the job so well.

I have never enjoyed a day off so much like I have today though! After 3 weeks of constantly having to do something, I can relax now. Atleast much more than I could for a while now! The apartment has just some loose ends that need to fixed before it’s truly done, the “worst” part of the fadder activities that I have most responsibililty for are more or less over over and my working hours getting cut down to every other weekend. Just in time for school. So now the next projekts begin! School, spex, and in a month or two, the preparations for the next novischeri right after winter.

Alright, I’m off to pick up my darling who’s just been in holland!

Kram! …as we say here, and sweet kisses to you all.

Utopia! August 30, 2007

I’m sitting in my new balcony, in my new apartmet while a friend is raiding through the few boxes we still haven’t unpacked looking for my hard drive and just relaxing… and I have to say, I love it here. When I’m at work I just want to get home to finish up what we have left to fix and really, just feel at home! And the bedroom. We joined our two single beds so we have one big big bed to truly just sprawl over and it’s heavenly!! It’s looking great. I love it. You know, it’s so much nicer to have friends over now as well because there’s just so much more space! I promise I’ll put up some new pictures soon to show you what it looks like but first we have to finish unpacking everything so I actually have access to everything I need to upload them!

And the fadder activities just got started today. I cant say that everyone is as motivating/engaging/happy as we want our fadders to be but most all of them are so that feels really good as well. Everything’s just rounding up so nicely right now I’m near euphoric (or how ever one spells that). I feel like the person that I want to be again. You know, happy.

And work… I got the wage I wanted although I still haven’t gotten my contract. but as long as I know what my wage is and I’ve leveled with them about how often (or rather not often) I want to work, it feels good.

People reading my blogg must think I’m the most manic depressie person on earth with the moowswings I seem to have in my posts! LoL.

None the less, I just though to update a little bit so you all don’t think I’ve just dropped off the face of the earth!! hehe

Love you all, and sweet kisses to all!

So much to do, So much to do! August 21, 2007

Ah. After my hellish hours at work and worried loved ones that I’m about to work myself to death I finally have 4 days off from work… and also, I’ve decided that I’m going to have a face-off with my boss and tell him to give me a clue as to what I’m working for (and if it aint what I want) or I’m walking… in a much nicer way though ofcourse.

And I have to admit that these days off are badly needed. partially because I really needed my sleep, partially because I need to actually put some time into the new apartment… but mostly because I need more time to get the whole fadder machine rolling since the whole shebang starts next week *yikes*. But, without a meeting with the rest of the responisible people to compare myself to and just one letter that wasn’t negative I’m no longer in deep desperation about it.

As for the apartment.. it’s starting to look great! Maina’s a very happy little girl. The pictures I put up is how the apartment looked when we moved in… Doesn’t it look bland? I’ll update you guys as to how it looks like when it’s all done, so you can see what a difference is being made!

Alrighty, My update of the day is boring, but done! Sweet kisses to all!

The Content, the Happy, and the Nervous August 14, 2007

It’s the end of my four day weekend, and now I have evening shifts upto friday, double shift on saturday, and then the morning shift on sunday to look forward to. Good thing I actually kinda like working there. I don’t appreciate that the boss still hasnt given me a contract, and I don’t appreciate that he seems to give completely different wages to different people not depending on experience and age, but rather because… you know, I have no idea how he decides to give a waiter who’s worked there since the beginning and in his 30’s less than 90 kr an hour and then a girl with barely any experience at all and in her early 20’s a little more than 100 kr an hour. So I’m nervous as hell as to what what my wage will be. I really need the job, but I can’t be arsed for 8000 kr a month. The aweful pay is after all, one of the reasons why I decided not to be a waitress again. (See how well that worked out by the way? ) But none the less, I get ahead of myself. Although I’m a little nervous over this one thing, so far I’m enjoying my job. Atleast I’m not dreading going to work tomorrow. (Poor bear aint gonna get much sleep this week with me trampling in at 1 am though!)

Nervous momentum #2: We went and bought some paint yesterday and me with my zero senses of home furnishing/decorating am very nervous about how it will end up looking. (We’re getting the keys for the new place tomorrow! *yay*). The bear has to keep calmingmy nerves with “Yes darling, the colours will be great”, “No darling, I don’t think it will get too colorful”, “Darling, it’ll look great”, “Darling, it can always be fixed if it doesn’t turn out the way we want.” …All this while wanting to bash his head against the wall for having such a neurotic girlfriend. Hehe. But, ofcourse, he’s right, it’s not a matter of life and death, I shouldn’t ovethink it so much and if something doesn’t quite come to our taste, it’s fixable. All in all: Man, am I looking forward to stepping into the apartment tomorrow and feel how spacey and mine (well, sort of ) it is…

And finally, (all good things come in three’s right?) there’s the whole fadder activities… now there’s something I’m dreading. Trying to find something that I’m happy and/or content with here, but to be honest I just prefer not to think about it because it makes me feel like I need to start smoking up again. I’m doing what I have to do and hoping that the whole thing will pass sooner than soon. Time machine anyone? I’ll give my right arm for it! Hehe. But hey, chin up, clear the mind, and do as best as I possible can so when it’s finally over atleast I get to see how good or bad I am at this stuff and I have some major experience points (yes, I used to be a gaming nerd). Right?

Well, I’m off to meeting a friend for a date with Asians Pearl.

Sweet Kisses to all!

Maina the Whina August 3, 2007

Alright, sorry for this guys, but I need to expunge the feeling of complete uselessness that I have right now.

I have no idea how get everything to work together these next two months. And especially not well.

The whole thought of being the one responsible for other people to have fun is extremely daunting. I can’t even have a party at home without it being a failure… let alone 80 people… for two months!! And get them to feel like I am someone they want to get to know and have as a friend.

Where is all this coming from you ask? I had a meeting today with a few other people representing different parts of te school and the city for exactly this purpose… to make sure that all the activities for the new students will go smoothly. The more I listen, the more worried I am. The Teks have so much going on, and so much fun stuff that I wish I could be a new student in their group! The Servs has a girl in the “top” who knows exactly how to get things done, when to get it done, who to talk to, and get everyone around her engaged. Things happen with her.
…And then there’s the meeting itself… I end up feeling more and more like a grumpy, uninteresting child. People tell me that I’m “shiny, happy person” but it doesn’t fit with who I really believe I am or who really feel like I am lately. atleast not all the same girl that I was when I moved down here. And especially not compared to eveyone I’m working with regarding this whole Fadder activity.

Then there’s stuff that even the very biggest big mouthed part of me has set a line for what I wont bring up in this blogg. Either way, I’m noticed that I am not at all who I want to be right now. Not pretty enough, not sexy enough, not fun enough, not happy enough.

Now, having said that I’m going to bury this subject, leave it alone and never mention it again… heh, well atleast as much as Maina-possible.

The Cherry on Top July 6, 2007

I just saw Transformers yesterday…. (i DID mention that the child in me loves the super-hero movies right?)… and you know what? It wasn’t half bad! I expected something in the same line as spiderman 3 which was a huge dissapointment, but although the bear saw me wincing now and then at the cheeziness of some parts, I was seriously pleasantly surprised. (I almost cried for Bumblebee!)

Hehe.

But the whole evening was totally enjoyable. After the movie we took it easy with some friends who tried to teach me how to freesbie, which was interesting since at some points it looked more like I was trying to slice their necks or feet of their beloved bodies rather than playing a game. And after that the two of us joined Frans, Eva, Andreas and Annie. Turning the evening into a pleasant little three-way couple evening. Haha! But seriously, it’s nice when ones closest friends have a significant other as well and everyone gets along. Their girlfriends are even good friends from before so it all works out. Frans made some delicious little drinks that starts with M and other than that I have no idea… I don’t think I’d make a very good bartender. Heh.

On a more serious note. We’ve found an apartment and I just signed the contract today *yay!*. So in a little more than a month I’m moving into a nice spacy 70 m2 apartment with the bear. He’ll have his nice, big, kitchen to make all his wonderful food and pile up on all the dishes for me to take care of the next day.

As for the whole “Fadder” activities it’s rolling along (swenglishizing the saying here) and I’m starting to think that this might actually be as enjoyable, appreciated, and engaging as Im hoping for… but then again, knock on wood so I should just keep my mouth shut!

So, the fact that it feels like I’ve finally gotten started on my training again and the fact that my sweetly neurotic mother is coming tomorrow to visit for a few days, this is turning out to be a very good week for me!

Now, I’ve got some (hopefully) very enjoyable food getting ready in my oven so as a cherry on top I’m gonna eat some good food tonight. Hopefully, the bears very looong 14 hour work shift today will atleast end as pleasantly as my whole day has been.

Sweet kisses to all!

Getting Older! (and wiser?) May 24, 2007

So, just about 1 hour and 30 minutes ago, little me has grown into a quarter of a century year old girl.

*happy birthday to me, happy birthday to me! haaaappyyy biiiirthdaaay tooooo meeee, happy birthday to me*

hehe

I’m celebrating it with some wonderful school work that I have to get done before i go off to bed. *yay* (dork) but seriously, I got a really nice evening to look forward so dats going to be nice.

Oh, and apparantly you guys are now reading the words of the new “fadder-general” for the social sciences of our university. Strange eh? Anyone who new me before would never have thought it possible. For those that don’t speak the swedish student language: fadder = those that sort of sponsor the new students and make sure that they feel welcome and get to learn what the school is all about… and being the general, I’d be responsible for those “fadders”. *yikes*

My goal? To change the bad f***ing reputation we of the social sciences have or atleast to get them to join in on the school spirit unlike the classes of last year or so. (probably a lost cause but that is the challenge no?)

To be quite honest, I’ve had so much to do lately that I don’t think that any of this has really sunk in yet so all the responsibilty and so on and so forth, doesn’t even exist in my mind. Once it does, I’ll probably freak out.

Alright, all you wonderful people out there. Little me is going off to…. bed?? I think that’s the word? Is there such a thing? A little more studying and then off to that funny rectangle-looking thing that looks so inviting.

(happy birthday to me!)

sweet kisses to all.