Apparantly… November 3, 2009

…I have way too much on my plate that I’m dealing with… which I knew to be true even before my therapist pointed it out to me. She listed it all upp for me and after a little discussion I’m starting to realize why I kept feeling like I kept bashing my head to the wall. Most of the things on my plate are about pure “will”. The only thing that isn’t completely realiant on my will power is work, which would explain why that one usually makes me feel better at the end. It’s also sort of true with my driving lessons because if I don’t cancel it in time and decide not to go, my dad pays 500kr for nothing. Those are my two responsibilities where others rely on my and thus, not completely reliant on my willpower.

Thus, I’ve been told to make a kind of priority list from what matters the most to until my brain says “stop! that’s enough!”

My little family
Politics
Part-time job
Household chores
Friends
Training
—–
School and Aruma
Driving lessons
Marknadsföreningen
Hungerprojektet
Hobbies

The line is where my limit is (I think)… But see, that line is nowhere near realistic. For one reason only. The school. Without the economical support I get to go to school, there’s no chance I’d be able to manage to survive on just a part-time job, Of course, I could get a full time job because the day shifts are where the least stuff happens but then I’d be on the verge of having too much to do again.There’s no way I can take care of household chores, being in a relationship, a full time job and as a fourth: politics for example, or friends, or training. The job takes 9 hours of my day, the chores take atleast two. The fourth choices take about 3 hours and so does a relationship. Granted, I wont be spending 3 hours on the fourth AND 3 hours on relationship everyday, but where relationship wouldn’t be getting the hours, the fourth choice would, and vice versa. So where’s my free time? And what’s a sensible way of dividing relationship and personal life choices?

It’s all hard questions for me. At least I think I’ve pretty much decided on the form of the list… now I just need to figure out how to balance personal life choices and having a relationship. (Because neither are up for debate in being taken of the list!)

Kisses to all.

Naiv Family Dream October 5, 2009

I’ve had a thought bugging me for at least a week now and I haven’t posted it because it’s so very naiv. At least it feels like it is. We live in a world were the parents take their time to bring you up and protect you. Yet when it is their turn, when you actually have the possibilty to take care of them for a change; they’re apparantly in the way. Old and bothersome. This feels so wrong to me. I would love to have a big home, with a big family. Not in the sense that I want a lot of kids, but in the sense that the home is big enough for kids, parents and grandparents all helping out to take care of one another.

Of course, this would need a very big home because otherwise we’d all probably get on eachothers nerves but with the way my parents for example like to travel and go about their own lives they wouldn’t be in the way (not much anyway) and then I’d know they’d have a place when they get weary, without having to send them to retirement home. Parent-in-laws also welcome. Can you imagine any better baby-sitter? And the freedom that will give in some respects, to all parts, aswell as the comfort and the respect it will teach the kids.

It’s all just a naiv dream of course, but it’s a pleasant one. Mostly because the older I get, the more the idea of having my parents so far away, and having such a split family (like I’ve had) irks me. I want my kids to grow up with their grandparents, and I want a close-knit family.

Sweet kisses to all the big families out there (that function!)

Perfect Birthday (and it wasn’t even mine) September 27, 2009

What a day! Yesterday (the Bears birthday) was truly a perfect day, all about good company and food. Lots and lots of food. Started the day with breakfast buffé at a nearby hotell with friends (man I wish I could have yoghurt, mixed with fresh fruits, and seeds various kinds for breakfast every day!). Then a late “light” (i.e. two food pies, scones, blueberry pie and some other swedish dessert) lunch with the dear Bears family and finally a pleasant dinner with parent-in laws at the Bears favorite Italian restaurant.

Couldn’t have been better.

Now today, the goal is two things: Invite people over to help us finish up the food we have from yesterday and do some actual homework.

Btw, now that I got my iPhone I though I’d give Twitter a shot. So find me there! (Nickname: nightabove) Still figuring out how it works so need some people to practice with.

Anyway, I’m starting to hype up again so there’s so much stuff I want to write about but there’s so much stuff I want to get done today, so till next time.

Sweet kisses to all you positive people who try to do the best with your situation!

Summer House August 2, 2009

Remembering stuff just isn’t my strong suit! Yesterday as I was flying to Arlanda I put the book I was reading in the pcoket in front of me (you know where the magazines and crashing for dummies are) knowing full well that there’s a good chance I’d forget it. About an hour after landing I realize that is exactly what I did and by then the plane has just left again and so I decided to buy another book. After paying for it, and telling the cashier lady about how forgetful I am I leave the book at the store! By the time I figure this out I only have about 2 minutes left before my train leaves and there’s nothing I can do about. Again.

I would really like to meet the person who’s more or at least as forgetfull as I am without actually being diagnosed as senile or such.

None the less, there’s a silver lining to each cloud and because I had no books to read, I ended up focusing on both my own and the Bears and mine upcoming projects. Always a good thing.

Travelling mishaps aside, the travelling went relativly quick and now I’m at the much dreaded summer house. At least, it was the dreaded summer house until this year. I’ve actually looked forward to it this time around and so far it’s been nothing but pleasant.

Typical of my parents the activities begin as soon as I arrive and as soon as we left the stuff in the house I was whisked off to their favorite mushroom spot. Never been much to care about these kindof things but lately I found myself actually being curious over different the things and people around me so I learnt some stuff *shocker*. My memory, of course, hasn’t miraculously improved since my trip a few hours earlier so I don’t remember what’s edible and what’s not but atleast it was interesting to find out about the different mushrooms that exist in our land. More interesting was testing them one by one, fried with butter, salt and peppar, and rating them, which is what we did with the ones we had plucked. (Anything that involves eating is always a thumbs up for me!) Since I’ve never given mushrooms much thought I never though they’d have such different tastes. Something new learnt.

We drank wine and had an alltogether very pleasant time together. Before going to bed me and my mother talked through about my project and I got to clear my head a little with what it is that I want to achieve. I have her support, which is huge as she’s usually atleast a little dubious about everything I do.

I keep saying pleasant… but that’s exactly what it is here. Pleasant. I know people often use it as diplomatic word to say nice and boring, but I rather really mean it in it’s most positive aspect. It’s nice… and relaxing.

I mean, we pluck our sallad right of our backyard, same thing with the different kinds of berries that my parents like to use for everything, knitting, learning to drive (I wasn’t half bad!), having a morning “run”, having guests and talking about travelling (hey darling, we now have a contact in Ecuador if we’re ever going backpacking around South America as I’d like), and just generally talking about everything between heaven and earth.

It’s all good.

Vacation!

Sweet kisses to all.

Lots and lots of gooseberries! *yum*

Lovely colours. :)

My very lovely parents!

Nearby fishing spot

Our eleven different types of mushrooms

I Never Thought I’d Find a Hobby… July 29, 2009

No matter how many positive comments I get for my new haircut one can always count on parents to be dubious to it. They never mean anything bad by it, but I’m their baby and always will be. Heh. Well, that wasn’t the reason for the post today. Today it’s about how awesome I am!

Don’t know if I’ve written it before, but me and the Bear have made a of tradition of him buying fresh buns on his way home from his nightshift (around  5 am) and then having breakfast together before we go back to bed. Today though, I thought I’d take full use of the morning and got up, kept him company and then as he went to bed, I went training. Wasn’t sure I’d actually go ahead and do it, but I did. yay! (Aren’t I the best?) Now, I’m sitting here eating my daily morning porridge truly feeling great about myself.

Yesterday I sat all evening putting together my little cookbook/scrapbook that I had started ages ago but never actually gotten that far with, and today (if it isnt’ too expensive), I thought I’d get some some knitting stuff to bring with me to the summerhouse so I can have something to do there. Homely Maina.

Bringing me to the next subject. For once, I feel like I actually have something to do when I get to the summerhouse. Driving “lessons” with my dad, maybe some knitting, maybe a new i phone to figure out, work on one of my projects, and spend some time with my dear parents. Oh, and it’s the dear dad’s birthday while I’m there. (Although I’m not sure how good of a present the fear of crashing while letting me drive the family car is!) Of course, theory and practice are two seperate things and once with the parents I know I turn into a lazy bum, but since getting rid of the TV I’ve found myself quite enjoying the calm and just fiddling with different stuff. I’m able to relax without getting fidgety, restless and bored, which are all quite neccessary characteristics to be able to enjoy the summerhouse I’ve noticed.

I knew getting rid of the TV was a good idea.

Today though, I have a few things to take care of before working the evening shift.

- Pay a bill and set a date for my driving lessons, fix my bicycle, go to the bank, get my grades fixed, check out knitting stuff and maybe go to the library to get some knitting stuff. -

Sweet kisses to all!

High polar July 22, 2009

I ended early yesterday  because of the way I felt and came home to settle down. Instead I did a good job of arguing with my mum and my dear Bear. Poor darlings have a lot to deal with with me. And yes, I am going to train on saying “let’s leave this alone” instead of walking away/out shout/hang up. I truly become an insolent little child when feeling unhappy,cornered and/or attacked.

Oh well, thank you my darlings for always being there for me!

By the time I had gone to bed though I was in a much better mood and had gotten some motivation back to actually do something with my life. Some kidn fo clarity hit me that the best way to feel like an active part of ones own life is to actually do something about it. *shocker*. So I did. I had for example left the idea of making my own website/company about a month ago because I figured I wouldn’t be able to do a good job anyway. Yesterday I decided to actually see how far I can take it before giving up (heard somewhere that that was the order it was supposed to be done ), and got some good feedback this morning. Also, I finally did something about my  political interest instead of thinking I won’t achieve anything anyway (whine, whine, I know) and did something about it and got some good feedback there. (Remind me why I give up so easily when I get so much good feedback everywhere?)

This morning I did some pilates for the first time in ages and had a good healthy breakfast. Good start.

I’ve been wanting to start sowing but the more I looked it up on the net yesterday, the more I figured that it’s nothing for me. My dear Bear made me realize that it’s all laziness and so today I went to the library and borrowed a couple of books. While there I couldn’t help but get motivated to try out another hobby if this one didn’t work out. There’s so much out there!

Today I was supposed to have a very short shift at work but one of my collegues called to see how I felt. the sweetheart told me that there wasn’t much to do anyway so it was up to me if  I wanted to work as planned or work an even smaller shift and that’s what we finally decided to go with. After a tiny little 3 hour shift I ended my work day. Lovely.

Finally, I just made some dinner (for some reason vegetarian cooking is much more pleasant than cooking with meat.) and I’m feeling like I’ve been good today.

And yes, I may be turning into a freakin’ housewife. Just don’t tell me I am and I might not mind. *wink*

Sweet kisses to all the wonderfully patient people out there.

Support July 10, 2009

You know someone’s an integrated part of the family when they spend the weekend with ones parents…without you yourself being around. My dear Bear has left today to travel to our summer home together with his parents to be with my parents, while I stay behind. And work. Yay.

Oh well, it’s all coming back as a yummy little load of money at the end of the summer. And  I have our cats that like to take his spot in bed when he’s not around.

Last post I wrote wasn’t of the happy sort I know. It’s funny how just getting the chance to ventilate can ease the weight tenfold. And some time with ones significant other. And a reply from a company that I wrote to about a month ago.

Maybe there’s a light in the end of the tunnel after all.

Kisses to all.

Life is Good! June 1, 2009

(I’ve got a cat behind my laptop as I write this, and all I can see it is a furry stomach and a pair of curled up paws. Adorable.)

My parents have been in town for 3 nights and I have to say that it was one of the most pleasant stay overs I’ve experienced with them. For one, my mom was in a good mood, which was a first for her while in Helsingborg!

Other reasons? The apartment is as clean as it can be and we’ve eaten good food throughout the weekend. 

Friday: 
Ribs 
Halloumi salad

Saturday:
Mum’s lamb *yum!*

Restaurant food, where the quality of the food and company was as high as the price that came along with it. *Poor dad*

Sunday:
Bears tandoori chicken and best potato salad ever! Why? Because it was the first one I’ve tasted without any of that awful dill! 

Caesar salad a’la Maina

Monday:
Bears home made meatballs – always a winner.

…Can’t get much better.

On top of that my parents have a wonderful habit of giving us the monetary means to refill our fridge and freezer to our taste when they visit, so more good food to come!

I got to see a completely new side of my mother-in-law on Saturday as well. I got to meet a very relaxed and happy woman who could kick back once the responsibilities were of her shoulders. Wonderful to see.

I even got my first summer sunbathing done!

Now, I just need to sit down, get started, and send off my final paper for this term so the Bear and I can fly to London next weekend with a clear conscience! (Good thing my parents have done such a god job of scaring our cats half to death all weekend that they’re now quietly recuperating.

Sweet kisses to all!

Intense May 4, 2009

Despite the fact that this weekend was three days long instead of the usual two, it’s been so busy I don’t feel like I got a chance at beeing with my bear and rest up. Partially because today I’m ending the weekend with a double work shift, partially because despite my very social behaviour, I can’t handle being social for more than a few hours at a time and it usually ends with me greatly enjoying my alone time. Because of this, I’m playing hooky from my apprentice work meaning I’m only working my evening shift at my part time job.

Anyway, so what have I done? Thursday I came home from work and shared a bottle of wine with the Bear, which totally messed me up and I slept long into the day on Friday. Around noon I helped someone move his and his girlfriends’ separate stuff into their new, joined apartment. 

Later in the evening we went off for a coffee and a movie “state of play” with another couple. It’s actually not that bad by the way.

Now, to the interesting part of the weekend. On Saturday, I flew up to a place called Ostersund for a banquet with the company I work part time with. It was 8 other girls, our boss, her husband, and me. Being a girl of usually no make up and baggy pants (and the occasional skirt), I find it especially fun with occasions that give me an excuse to play dress up. I looked awesome, as did most of the other girls and boys at the place. 

For the first time I found out a little more about what the company is all about. I ended up enjoying the drive the company showed itself to have considering how it’s grown exponentially in the two years it’s existed and I ended up feeling like I wanted to be a part of that, and see how far I could go within the company. It’s a good feeling. The girls in Helsingborg had nominated me as the newcomer of the year. I knew though that I had no chance to win because we were a small group of 15 in Helsingborg while they were a huge group of 150 in Ostersund who had barely heard of us. None the less, even if my name didn’t come up in Ostersund, I was flattered that they had nominated me down here. Very good feeling. 

The boss’ husbands’ humour finally got to me at one of the night so I let him know I didn’t appreciate it. He said sorry, I took a cigarette and when I came back in, we were OK again. All good. If there’s one thing I’m very glad I’ve learnt from my therapy, it’s that it’s much better to just be open about my feelings instead of walking around with a chip on my shoulder or the worry that I’ve done something wrong. Life has become very much simpler because of it. 

I got to know my sister”‘-in-law” a little better as well and had a talk with the boss about the possibilities of working enough to not have to take a loan from the government anymore. By the end of the night my feet were so swollen from my high heeled shoes I was about to cry, I was in a good mood and I fell asleep knowing I was going to have the kind of hangover one usually only has after a new years eve party. 

I was right. My head was hurting, I was partially too warm and partially having non-stop shivers, and I was constantly hungry. (Why do we do this to ourselves?)

While waiting at the Stockholm airport though, I realized that my mom was on her way home to Sweden from Finland that same day and looked up when she was to land. She was to land 17.55… the same exact time that my plane lifted. A pity, because I would have loved to see her face expression if she saw me as she off boarded the airplane.

Coming home, my wonderful Bear was making dinner with plans of having muffins for dessert.

Being a girl who needs her alone time, it’s quite obvious why I’m badly in need to just hang at home before getting to my daily routines. I needed a break, and by Sunday I was really quite tired of my colleagues (not because they’re bad people, but because I need my alone time) and was ready to come home. The need for some alone time is part of the reason I’m skipping work today.

Sweet tired kisses to all

Friends Are Good to Have April 27, 2009

First of all, I have such a hard time trusting friends. I think I’ve written about it once before that to me, boyfriends have very often lasted longer than tight friendships that I meet often. Don’t get me wrong; I have good friends. Amazing and wonderful friends whom I know I can rely on if I only dare to, who’ve been around for half my life. Maybe it’s because of them (and the Bear and my two dear kittens) that I don’t feel alone here in Helsingborg, despite not feeling like I have friends I can completely rely on here. I do have three friends whom I treasure, but I’m always a little unsure of how stable they are. One’s been in India for the past few months (coming back in a couple of weeks) and one’s in Denmark.

The third came back last week. Now, before I continue, you have to understand, I love her and the fact that there’s so much drive in her. She says her mind and we don’t always agree but that just gives for interesting discussions. She, like the other two have a strength I love to surround myself with. Despite all this, I was so nervous about meeting her today. My solitary bubble consisting of the Bear, the cats and myself got popped and I realised I all of sudden had to consider someone else other than the three creatures I live with. I also realised I’m nervous about meeting my old friends of 15 years in a few weeks up in Stockholm… and meeting up with a very old friend in London a couple of weeks after that. I worry that I’ll make an idiot of myself, that I’ll be a bore and that I’ll disappoint.

You see, I know and understand my dear Bear and two cats.

It was good to meet with Anna though. Friends are, after all, very nice to have. My neurotic soul on the other hand seems to belong to a crazy little hermit who likes to speak to strangers. Good thing I have some friends who break my solitude now and then.

Sweet kisses to all!

P.S. come to think of it, maybe that’s why I like to work so much? It breaks my solitude without having to invite people into my life…