I’ve Gone From… November 13, 2009

…So little to do that I was starting to feel useless, to the limit of having too much to do. Screw my therapist. I can’t deal with having less to do. I don’t like who I turn into and the circles of thoughts that take over my brain. But, I know, it’s all about finding a balance and I think I’m entering one of my highs again (my shakes are returning a little) so it’s not working out all that well for me.

I’m happy right now though! Had an early morning seminar that was good if it hadn’t been for the presentator. A little study time where I found two books about depressions that seem so good that I’m going to buy them (that is, if I can find them). A quick meeting with the student unions vice president about the seminar coming up with the hunger project.

Soon: A meeting with my class mentor about my paper (lets hope he likes what I’ve written so far!) and then Ladies Night with some lovely english speakers I’ve gotten to know the past few months. Tomorrow it’s Malmö to listen to a student defend her doctoral thesis and on Sunday I’m working (and hopefully some training).

Like I said. Became a lot all of a sudden and I’m still making  plans for next week. My dear Bear’s an angel for putting up with me!

Sweet kisses to all.

Reaching For the Stars November 7, 2009

I’ve been writing and exchanging so much with my parents this week that writing in the blogg has just felt… superflous (if that word can even be used in that sense). The little notes I write in facebook has also taken over a little bit. How sad is that?

Anyway, this week has been hell. I’ve been confused, lost and irritated at life and myself. At life for having set what felt like more hinders than encouregments. At myself for not being the type that can multitask as much I’d like. In some ways it’s been necassary though. As much as it sucks, I have to learn my limits at the same time as I reach for the skies. I have to make priorities even as I find many things interesting. It’s all about balance, isn’t it? Personally I find it quite boring to view life that way, so I haven’t cut down on ll that much but at least it’s a start. At least I got my motivation back to finish up school and my parents passed the test (they always do) in not pushing me into anything. Haha. In all honesty though, they’re amazing. They keep being just enough supportive and just enough of the wise parents for me to feel like I’m still the boss over my own life without loosing my way in very dark roads.

I’m surrounded by amazing people though. My dear Bear for his amazing strength and willpower with me and amazing characteristic of always trying to be better. A for going through such hardships that would have made lesser people falter. L for having such an enormous heart. J for always being willing to try something new. The little family of three that amaze me for their inner strength and being so comfortable in their own skin. My boss for always trying to be fair without loosing face. And my parents.

And there ae so many more… E for her high energy, A for her openmindedness. The list goes on and on. This is what makes it so hard to limit myself. All of these people introduce me to a world that I want to get better acquintance with.

I have an innate feeling that I am meant to be /could be a part of something great and awesome, but I feel like my body and mind is too small for all the things I want to achieve. Quite frusterating.

Sweet kisses to all.

Trusting the Happiness September 28, 2009

I’m starting to realize that I may actually have more friends than I initially realized. I remember a friend once saying that it took him three years to make friends here and that maybe those three years were a necessary part of the process. Maybe there’s some truth in that. Maybe I needed to grow a little. Maybe I needed to mature. Maybe I needed to stop demanding so much from others and maybe I needed to learn to trust a little. (Maybe it’s just one of my fazes).

Who knows. All I know is that it’s been going well in the friends department for the past two weeks. Things have been making sense to me somehow and even if I’m getting a little of a stomach cramp thinking of all the things I want to get done, life is generally really enjoyable. Even things like my driving lessons, which I really don’t look forward to, leave me feeling like I’ve achieved something.

I really hope I don’t sink. I really hope I’m not having a high and this is all just me being a happy, positive girl.

Sweet (albeight, a little worried) kisses to all.

Perfect Birthday (and it wasn’t even mine) September 27, 2009

What a day! Yesterday (the Bears birthday) was truly a perfect day, all about good company and food. Lots and lots of food. Started the day with breakfast buffé at a nearby hotell with friends (man I wish I could have yoghurt, mixed with fresh fruits, and seeds various kinds for breakfast every day!). Then a late “light” (i.e. two food pies, scones, blueberry pie and some other swedish dessert) lunch with the dear Bears family and finally a pleasant dinner with parent-in laws at the Bears favorite Italian restaurant.

Couldn’t have been better.

Now today, the goal is two things: Invite people over to help us finish up the food we have from yesterday and do some actual homework.

Btw, now that I got my iPhone I though I’d give Twitter a shot. So find me there! (Nickname: nightabove) Still figuring out how it works so need some people to practice with.

Anyway, I’m starting to hype up again so there’s so much stuff I want to write about but there’s so much stuff I want to get done today, so till next time.

Sweet kisses to all you positive people who try to do the best with your situation!

Good Days August 31, 2009

It’s a wonderful thing to meet someone who gives strength and energy to, rather than sucking the energy of, you. At the end of our lunch today I didn’t, as I usually do, wonder or worry about what I’d said wrong or forget to say. If I was being inconsiderate or being too much in my own world.  It’s been awhile. I was in such a good mood that the first thing I did when I got home was to sit down with my own project with no procrastination. She herself had so much “go” in her that I got a little inspired I have to say… not by her personally but by the meeting of two people like us. Maybe, just maybe, I can believe that I’m ok just the way I am again?

I don’t know if the reason I didn’t feel so self-concious was because I felt like I understood her, because she had a similar background as me. I didn’t have to wonder and figure her out quite as much as I’m constantly doing with so many others around me. I Didn’t have to wonder what it was that made her tick. Yes, I know, just because it’s the same background it doesn’t mean that we’re the same, (wouldn’t want to meet another me anyhow) but it does simplify things. She seemed to have gotten to know a few people living in Helsingborg, with an international background… wish I could find what dark little corner they’ve managed to hide themselves in. I’d found one some time ago but despite the similarities we were just in two completely different stages of our lives and it didn’t work out. (Speaking of similar backgrounds not always being enough). A pity, but one can’t get along with everyone.

It’s been a good day in general though. A short shift at work. A nice (free!) lunch with someone new, getting a bit done with my project, dinner with mum-in-law (also free!), going to IKEA for new bed (have to wait another week) and finally, a pleasant evening with friends to round it off. Another plus here is (no shocker to the enlightened ones out there), I found out that I wasn’t the only one feeling like friends or making good friends was a hard thing to figure out. Despite the feeling that I think that was the end of our similaraties I’m realizing that maybe I should start looking for things I have in common with people instead of focusing on how different I think I am, and trying to find people who I think are different, like me. Such an adolescent way of thinking to be honest.

Tomorrow college life starts again… I’m hoping to get some pilates done tomorrow before school, then speak my case to the school institution I belong to in the name of the hunger project, get my one-hour driving lesson and then go off to work. Maybe get some food in there somewhere although I doubt that it’ll be for free this time around.

Sweet kisses.

Awesome! August 28, 2009

My to-do list has been steadily shrinking again (was getting pretty long during the non-active weeks)… Pretty much just hobby-stuff left now! The best part is, I actually had a good time doing all of it. The difference in my mentality is stupifying, it’s almost a little scary how the psyche has so much power over the mind and body. I’ve always known it, but it’s getting pretty freaky how the difference in my personality traits varies from week to week.

None the less, since two days ago, website for my little side project half-way done (I think), the hunger project gave me a call today with whom I’ve set a lunch date with next week. Apartment thoroughly mopped and cleaned, clothes washed, dinner made (thought my dear Bear deserved a break), plans made on maybe going Malmö to visist a friend in two weeks. Driving lessons… slowly moving along. Bills payed, medicine bought, trash thrown, cats brushed. The only things left now is buying a new bed, which we’re doing on sunday hopefully (finally!), getting started on my training again, finishing up the first version of my website so I can publish it, buying food for the cats to last us a month, and food for us humans to last us a month.

*…and breath out…*

Oh yeah, and waiting for that damned sms telling me that my Iphone has finally arrived. Haha

So much to do… and loving it.

Sweet kisses to all!

Happy at work? August 11, 2009

Funny how I’m happiest working the evening and weekend shifts despite the fact that it denies me the chance to have any kind of social life. It’s not just with this job, but all the jobs I can think of that I’ve had.

I Love You, Man July 29, 2009

I think I’ve written before about how complicated I find the process of the friend game to be… so, I love this movie. If there’s anyone who feels the same way about making friend this is a must see movie! (especially if you loke comedies) It depicts the feeling quite well I have to say. People like us aren’t necessarily lonely… we’re just the boyfriend/girlfriend type.

Sweet kisses to all.

Bye Bye Money, Hello Food! July 27, 2009

I’ve truly had some very good days lately. Maybe even perfect. Too bad having good days means spending money. Proving to me yet again that either me or my future husband better make a load of cash each month!

First of all the Helsingborgs festival was really good. Not because of the music (although I did get to listen to Salem al Fakir, who I’ve come to the conclusion I quite like) but because of the food! I love food. Not the kind of really high-end stuff that everyone with good taste is supposed to like, but all the different kinds of junk food that can be made in stands and fast food stores. Yum! I’ve heard from somewhere that sushi is actually considerd fast food in Japan, if this is true, it explains why I like it so much! Festivals and markets are none the less perfect for this kind of stuff!

Despite the fact that I told the Bear that he may as well not make any food that weekend as I was going to gorge myself with all the stuff the festival has to offer, I still didn’t come close to eating all the stuff I was hoping to! Ok, so a lovely lunch/dinner at the step family’s place last saturday didn’t exactly ensure an empty stomach at the festival, but I gave it my best effort. Looking forward to the next years round.

Another thing I love about festival is all the life the town gets. There’s music, smells and sounds pouring out of every corner… And the perfect opportunity it gives to meet up with friends. Lovely.

Then sunday as the town settled into it’s post-festival sunday calm, I had a wonderful day taking it easy, watching movies and fixing with my new sowing machine. Despite a throbbing headache and a sore knee.

Now today, I only worked 3 hours which is a perfect amount for a job one’s starting to dislike and then went on an unplanned shopping spree. I just realized writing this that I supposed to use that money to buy an i phone at the end of the month. Damn it. Heh, oh well.

I also found a very good hairdresser finally!  I have a tradition of letting the hairdresser to do more or less what they want with it to ensure that I get something different, but thus far they’ve been too chicken to actually do anything funky with it. This one loved the challenge and made a loose poney tail and chopped it right off. I love people who face a challenge. And she made an awesome job of it. I’m loving it!

Next month the plan is to colour it pitch black and the month after that to put in pure white extensions in there to funk it up.

Oh! And I finally signed myself up for driving lessons (been waiting for the governments OK that I’m allowed to get them thus far).

…all the money trickling away….

Lovely, most perfect kisses to all!

Alcohol-free July 18, 2009

I’m thinking about starting on alcohol-free drinks. More fun to drink than water/milk/juice (I don’t drink anything carbonated) and yet I can skip the effects of alcohol, because I’m starting to dislike it more and more, despite I only had two beers and a drink.

I had a good night last night though. Met up with a friend I have a habit of meeting up with about twice or three times a year before he moves back up to Sthlm and had some spontaneous plus company that came and left. It became an early evening which was nice even if it made me feel like a bore. Oh well. It warmed the heart to meet up with a good friend again, they’re hard to come by these days. I am trying to make the effort lately though, even if my mood swings are worse than they’ve been for awhile. Maybe that’s why I’m making the effort to be honest. Now is the time I need friends after all.

Sweet kisses to all.