Trusting the Happiness September 28, 2009

I’m starting to realize that I may actually have more friends than I initially realized. I remember a friend once saying that it took him three years to make friends here and that maybe those three years were a necessary part of the process. Maybe there’s some truth in that. Maybe I needed to grow a little. Maybe I needed to mature. Maybe I needed to stop demanding so much from others and maybe I needed to learn to trust a little. (Maybe it’s just one of my fazes).

Who knows. All I know is that it’s been going well in the friends department for the past two weeks. Things have been making sense to me somehow and even if I’m getting a little of a stomach cramp thinking of all the things I want to get done, life is generally really enjoyable. Even things like my driving lessons, which I really don’t look forward to, leave me feeling like I’ve achieved something.

I really hope I don’t sink. I really hope I’m not having a high and this is all just me being a happy, positive girl.

Sweet (albeight, a little worried) kisses to all.

Hopeful Future September 24, 2009

I’m slowly circling my way closer to what proffesional direction I want to take in the future. Next term we’re choosing what we want to focus on and I’ve chosen the entrepenuering direction. As masters it’ll be communications/ international/ entrepeneuring… You can see where this is going… I’ve notcied how I love being involved in things and feeling like I’m a part of something new. I may not be good at making good friendships but I love surrounding myself with straighforward people that have a drive and an opinion. People who don’t reply on me and I don’t have to rely on but are none the less friends. It’s all so very energizing.

I also know what I don’t want to work with: people who complain and want their problems solved by someone else without having to take any responsibilty themselves.

I don’t know what future that will give me, but I’ve got a good feeling. I know I’ll find something and most crucially – the one thing I’ve never dared to hope for before – I feel like I have a en exciting future to look forward to. I don’t think I’ve ever had that.

I’m not perfect by a long shot but I’m working on it, my life and myself.

I’m saying all of this with just a little bit of apprehension because I know in the back of my head that my low days will completely snuff this feeling out, but for now, I’m happy. Even carefully hoping that maybe, just maybe, I don’t have bi-polar depression after all because I’m not feeling like I’m in a frenzy. Maybe I can just be a happy girl with a lot of things to look forward to after all. We’ll see.

Sweet kisses to all.

State of Mind September 15, 2009

I wonder what a “normal” state of mind is? For example, today and yesterday I’ve felt… neither depressed, nor unhappy with life. On the other hand, I’m not feeling extatic or happy about it either. I’ve been doing the things I’m supposed to do for these past two days, not feeling very effective and feeling like the things that need to get done around me are slowly piling up again.

It doesn’t feel realistic to think that the kind of joy I feel during my so called good days is a norm that most people feel, most days… but does that mean that most people, most days are just “existing” in life, going about their business without any real thought, pleasure or pain? Or maybe a more realistic thought is that most people have days now and then where they just exist without thought, pleasure or pain. Are they then bad days, or is it a state inbetween that turns negative if it sticks around for too long?

I guess the reason these days make me itch is because I love my “highs” and days like the past two make me feel like I’m missing out. During my good days I’m so extatic I’m almost in a frenzy. It feels great, even if I know that it’s an unrealistic state of mind to have for long periods of time. I also know that being depressed is unhealthy for longer periods of time as well. So, if both of those polars are unrealistic, then this state inbetween must be the most realistic, right?

Problem is, even this state isn’t healthy for longer periods of time as I can only take being in this inbetween state for so long before I actually start feeling and believing that I really am useless, and thus I get restless and stressed. I don’t know if being in this state means that I’m slipping, or if it just means that I need a little break from my frenzy.

Conclusion? I have no idea, but atleast I feel better having put it all down in writing.

Kisses to all.

I Think… September 6, 2009

…I’ve forgotten/missunderstood the meaning of making sure to not plan too much. My coming week actually looked quite calm until not so long ago!  Hehe. Oh well. Let’s just hope things continue rolling along the way it has for the past week and I’ll be happy.

Funny how when I’m in a good mood and things around me feel good, I just don’t feel like there’s all that much to write. I mean, what’s there to write? Not much has changed since my last post. I’m still in a good mood (amazing, I know), I’m working, meeting up with friends, going to school and dealing with projects. Most of all, there isn’t a storm of emotions crashing about inside me making me want to spew it out in whatever form possible. (Even if it’s quite filtered by the time it comes out on this blogg. ) I mean, there’s things going on, and I make plans so my life isn’t completely monotonous as I might make it sound but nothing in I-really-have-to-get-out-of-me-before-i-poop-my-pants kind of way… and thus nothing I find would be very interesting to share.

Although, I can admit that watching District 9 a couple of evenings ago opened a few doors/windows to that side of me. Good movie, but the unfairness of the situation inthe movie was just too much for me to handle. Pathetic I know. It’s just a movie but it was still upsetting enough that I felt a storm starting to brew inside me. Ah well, it passed after a good nights sleep so nothing to worry about and now I’m the regular bore I like to be.

Sweet kisses to all!

p.s. Considering my mental health i wouldn’t watch District 9 again but read someone saying that he’d watch the the sequal if if was 90 min of the aliens bombarding earth. Heh, now that I would watch. Would be healthy for us to loose a little in the movies as well. )

Drive August 26, 2009

Finally in a better mood again! My dad keeps pointing out how one can follow my mood swings through this blogg, but there’s another way as well as my dear Bear has first hand knowledge of… The apartment turns into a mess when my world turns…. unmotivated. Now though, the apartment is nice and clean again and maybe my writing’s a little happier again as well.

I also had a quick surprise visit from a friend which is always appreciated. The visit that is, not that it was a quicky. Friends very welcome to do more often!

It’s amazing how things get done when the psyche isn’t undermining ones every move. For the past two days I’ve gotten more done than in the past 2 weeks put together I think.

With school’s starting next week, driving lessons 2 times a week, and extra job on the side, my own little project on the works (and few hobbies to keep me busy just in case everything else wasn’t enough!), a super understanding boyfriend, parents making sure that I’m sane and two cats to drive me nuts, life’s rolling along despite my best efforts now and then to hide from it.

Sweet kisses to all!

Been Crying Much? August 12, 2009

As far as I can recall, I have always seen crying as a sign of weakness in girls. I didn’t cry that easily, not in public anyway. When frusterated, (especially in math and spanish classes) I have cried multiple times, even in public (which was embarrassing enough), but not for “pathetic” reasons like movies, music, and such. I didn’t want to give others a reason to think that I was a girly girl (one of the worst insults to me at the time) or a sap (because that meant being a girly girl). I wanted to be percieved as tough, cool (as in unattached), and a tomboy in every way and form. The kind of gril that laughs at danger and could give guys a good beating (not that any of these actually applied to me). Romance was gross, sadness was weakness.

This was not a notion I had as a kid mind you. This was something I’ve been trying to achieve as late as into my twenties!

Somewhere along the last 5 years though, something’s changed. Kids can be (aren’t always) cute, romance is ok if it’s done according the persons taste and not because of some formalia of what’s supposed to be romantic and what not… and I’ve started crying… to everything. I watch a romantic comedy, I get teary eyed, I’m frusterated or angy, I cry. When truly happy… guess what? I cry!

It’s aweful!

I can see why girls use tears as often as they do though, it’s a good way of getting your word across, but it’s gawd-aweful way of doing it. But, it that’s the easiest way for someone to catch the seriousness of the situation, it becomes a natural reaction after awhile. It’s a matter of evolution and behaviorism.

As for movies and such… I think it started with me deciding that I wasn’t feeling well from always trying so hard to appear cool and unaffected. But I still find it embarrasing… It’s a movie for christsake!

As an example, I just watched “A Beautiful Mind” and found to my embarassment tears rolling down from my eyes which is the reason for this post today.

I may be ok with the idea of being a girl nowadays, but it’s hard to swallow to what extent I have become the type of girly girl I in earlier years would have scoffed at.

Kisses to all.

.

P.S. should be said that crying in movies is ok! Any of the things I write about as character failures or weaknesses are personal to me.

Support July 10, 2009

You know someone’s an integrated part of the family when they spend the weekend with ones parents…without you yourself being around. My dear Bear has left today to travel to our summer home together with his parents to be with my parents, while I stay behind. And work. Yay.

Oh well, it’s all coming back as a yummy little load of money at the end of the summer. And  I have our cats that like to take his spot in bed when he’s not around.

Last post I wrote wasn’t of the happy sort I know. It’s funny how just getting the chance to ventilate can ease the weight tenfold. And some time with ones significant other. And a reply from a company that I wrote to about a month ago.

Maybe there’s a light in the end of the tunnel after all.

Kisses to all.

Worthless July 9, 2009

Usually it takes about a month for the “I-can-take-on-the-world” feeling that I get from my India visits to wear off. This time it’s taken half a year, but it  sucks none the less. I thought that this time the feeling would stick around, that somehow, I’d found a way to keep myself happy. Slowly though, I’m noticing how I feel that things just aren’t worth the effort, or that I’m not good enough anyway… or some other excuse.

I’m not sure of where my path in life lies, and where that feeling was liberating before, it has now been replaced with the feeling of a weight on my shoulders, like if I don’t figure it out soon, if I don’t find my meaning, goal or passion in life I’m just going to turn into a bitter housewife.

I was the happiest when I was barely at home. When I had plans. When I was so busy working, apprenticing, being involved in politics that I didn’t have the time to be at home. What does that say?

What am I now? I have no plans, I’m not involved, I’m not challenging myself. I’m nothing. If a person isn’t doing anything with their lives, if they’re not challenging themselves, learning something new… if they’re just drifting, what’s the point? Is that why people believe in god, because that means that there’s more to life? Maybe it gives them a goal by default?

Personally I don’t believe in an afterlife other than the nutrients my body will give to the earth to feed the flowers, trees and whatever other naturally wonderful thing mother earth consists of. No religion means that this one life I have, counts. It should be lived as the one chance I have to be whatever I want to be, whatever I can be, because this can’t be it.

Right now I’m just so afraid of failing, of being a looser, that I’m stunted. My fear is making me a drifter. The one thing I was so happy to no longer be.

Bitter kisses to all

Lucky Little Me April 19, 2009

First time on the morning shift at work. Always nice to wake up a half hour earlier on the weekend than I would even in the weekdays. Good thing I don’t like to party as much anymore.

This coming week is going to be a good week though. A good friend’s coming home to Sweden on Tuesday, my mom’s coming to Sweden on thursday and my dad on sunday. Little loner Maina will have her little beloved network back.

Me and the Bear had a talk a couple of days ago about my crazy need to work. The sweet man he is, he accepts that I with the highest likelyhood never will be a housewife and instead will always want/need to work. As he put it, be a “career woman”.

Even though I haven’t chosen the right career path to, according to me, be able to call myself a career woman (not enough money in social work after all),  it’s probably one of the sweetest things anyone’s ever said to me. Funny thing that. Call me a girly-girl or that I should be a housewife and I’ll feel dissed. Call me a tomboy and a future career woman, and you’ll see me shine.

With this state of mind I know there’s a risk for me to overwork and forget the other things in life that matter (like the wonderful man I’m living with) so I’m glad he once in a while has this talk with me and thus keeps me grounded and reminds me of my own mortality. Good man.

Sweet kisses to all!

Roses and Chocolates February 15, 2009

Happy Valentines Day… one day late.

Have never really been sure about how to feel about that day. As a teenager it always felt more like the day that told you how popular you were. Mostly with the boys, but also in general. In boarding school roses was the way of showing your appreciation and you knew you were popular by the the amount of roses you got as they were being called up. I never got a single one until the last year of that school. I was helping out giving out the roses to the other classes and when I came back to my own there was a little pile of roses waiting for me. Man, did that make me feel good. 

Since then, (and I know it’s been said before) Valentines Day has just felt like a very commercial thing. The stores have mass-produced it and the meaning has been lost and forgotten. Because it was so commercialized, I have, since boarding school, refused to acknowledge it. If I’m in a relationship, I’ve acted upon the day solely because I’ve felt I had to. A day, quite simply, prone to disaster because people make such a big deal out of it and expect so much from it. Almost as if everything that’s meant to be romantic and all the feelings of romance will magically appear because it happens to be Valentines Day. 

I’m starting to get the idea behind it now days though and the meaning behind it is mine alone because each person should have their own. 

This year Valentines Day became a day for the Bear and me to not take the other one for granted. That’s it. It’s as simple as that. This isn’t done through extravagant gifts or expensive dinners… or even having to spend every minute of the day with only each other. We had a pleasant day, took it easy, and were just happy to be around each other. Didn’t do anything we had or because we were supposed to but because we wanted to. The fact that it was Valentines Day made it a little more special, but it wouldn’t have been unless we had made it a good day first. I gave him a little box of chocolates with about 5 pieces of chocolate in it, and he gave me a red rose. I made breakfast and he paid for a little headband I wanted and the coffee we had with friends.

Chocolates and flowers is another one of those things that has lost their meaning because everyone takes them for granted. It doesn’t mean anything unless the person giving them authentically means it, and that impossible on the first date, but that’s a discussion for another time.

After having attempted to sound like a philosopher of love I should probably mention that the Bear and I have a good reason to celebrate valentines day, making it easier to appreciate each other on a day such as this . The 14th is also the same date we got together.

Kisses to all!