…can be best described by this article. 
Hunger Projektet July 22, 2009
Got tipped about the best damn thing. Finally someone has done the thing I’ve been thinking for so long about! I’m so very much against donating because it’s such nasty and onconcious way of taking away the peoples power to take care of themselves. We end up giving them stuff they didn’t know they needed that they don’t need and in the end, has been of no use at all. The only way to help is by empowering them.
Made me so happy to have found this.
Check it out. (English version here)
I think I’m gonna try and snake myself into this organisation somehow.
Sweet kisses to all the forward thinkers out there!
Nautious July 21, 2009
And here I am again, feeling lost and confused with a pit at the bottom of my stomach breaking down my self confidence and making me feel nautious.
Maybe it’s time for a trip to India or some other cheap and warm place soon.
Kisses to all
Worthless July 9, 2009
Usually it takes about a month for the “I-can-take-on-the-world” feeling that I get from my India visits to wear off. This time it’s taken half a year, but it sucks none the less. I thought that this time the feeling would stick around, that somehow, I’d found a way to keep myself happy. Slowly though, I’m noticing how I feel that things just aren’t worth the effort, or that I’m not good enough anyway… or some other excuse.
I’m not sure of where my path in life lies, and where that feeling was liberating before, it has now been replaced with the feeling of a weight on my shoulders, like if I don’t figure it out soon, if I don’t find my meaning, goal or passion in life I’m just going to turn into a bitter housewife.
I was the happiest when I was barely at home. When I had plans. When I was so busy working, apprenticing, being involved in politics that I didn’t have the time to be at home. What does that say?
What am I now? I have no plans, I’m not involved, I’m not challenging myself. I’m nothing. If a person isn’t doing anything with their lives, if they’re not challenging themselves, learning something new… if they’re just drifting, what’s the point? Is that why people believe in god, because that means that there’s more to life? Maybe it gives them a goal by default?
Personally I don’t believe in an afterlife other than the nutrients my body will give to the earth to feed the flowers, trees and whatever other naturally wonderful thing mother earth consists of. No religion means that this one life I have, counts. It should be lived as the one chance I have to be whatever I want to be, whatever I can be, because this can’t be it.
Right now I’m just so afraid of failing, of being a looser, that I’m stunted. My fear is making me a drifter. The one thing I was so happy to no longer be.
Bitter kisses to all
Trauma March 28, 2009
A few years ago, while backpacking around India me and the ex found ourselves celebrating English boxing day (?) / a little 6 year birthday party for grown ups. When I was too stoned and drunk to keep myself up any longer I made an attempt to get to the hotel room that a couple people we met had fixed for the night. As I got closer to the room three dogs started barking at me and I freaked out. I ran for my life… right into a sewer river. The kind of sewer river that only third world countries can create. It stank, my whole foot sank into whatever guck was at the bottom and not even the dogs wanted to get into it.
I stood in the middle of that river, surely for what felt like the longest 15 minutes of my life and screamed my lungs out for help. The dogs wouldn’t let me back out I didn’t want to walk over to the other side because the thought of a half indian girl walking by herself in the middle of the night, in India, drunk and stoned, scared me almost as much as the dogs did.
Once the blinding fear disappeared, and I realized that no one was going to help me, I trudged over to the other side of the river and started walking. I knew I was just getting further and further away from where my friends were and I couldn’t go anywhere but forward. Finally I came to little throng of bungalows with drinking men all around me. I was shaking from fear from the event with the dogs, and the possibility that I was going to get raped. You have to understand. I look Indian and dress like a European… I’m worth very little. I’m a sell out. You wouldn’t believe how many evil eyes I got while backpacking around India. I felt very unsafe on my own.
I was lucky, one of the men, who turned out to be the owner of the restaurant that I’d been partying at, showed me the right direction so I could get back. Once he realized that I was too scared to walk over the bridge because of the 5-6 sleeping dogs on the other side he kept me company the whole way back.
I was scared to the bone, and knew that as long as I gave out “I’m scared” vibes, the dogs would react to me, which scared me even more. When I finally came back to the restaurant everyone thought I’d been gangbanged and shook their heads at what they felt was an overreaction from my side when they found out that I had “just” been chased by dogs.
This event is something I now a days usually have a laugh at with friends, so why am I bringing this up now? Because today all of that came flooding back to me. Today as I came to work a dog almost as big as little me jumped up, barking and looking like he was ready to pounce me. I freaked out and everything from that night 5 years ago rushed back. I started shaking and crying… and trying to keep my voice controlled while my colleague got her stuff together to finish for the day. It took all of my will not to run back out.
…I thought I’d gotten past it…
Kisses to all.
Welcome 2009! January 8, 2009
Everyone’s been writing so much about the past year which I really don’t want to do. Instead, I want to look into the future because I feel there’s so much good stuff to look forward to.
Starting this new year in India has made me so much happier, that much more positive, and much more energy. I have for the past years lost myeslf, the person that I was so proud of being… and about a month ago things started making sense to me again. Now, with my depression at bay once again I can think even clearer and I’ve realized there’s so much to look forward to.
To give a few examples I’ve got an apprenticeship in about a month I can’t wait to get started with, a chance to a new summerjob now that I quit as a waitress at dunkers, a very dear friend, the bear and I have quite spontenously decided to travel to london in april or june, and I feel for the first time in two years that I can stop worrying so much about what others will think or say about my behaviour or the way I dress. I don’t know why I started caring so much after moving here, but I did. And theres so much more I can do, plan, and be a part of if I want to.
I’ve basically realized that there isn’t actually anything or anyone stopping me from being all I want. Ah, life can taste so good when one takes it by the horn and dares to do something with it. *yum*
So, dear 2009, bring it on!
Sweet kisses to all!
Back in Sweden January 3, 2009
Oh man it’s nice to be home. The biggest reason probably being that it’s nice the big trip home is over! 
I haven’t actually missed the little kitties while we’ve been gone since I knew they were in good hands but it was very nice to see them again! I never realized how much they’d grow in 2 weeks! …plus they’ve got their winterfur now so they’re ultra furry! Adorable.
First thing I noticed as soon as the parent-in-laws left though was how quiet it was! It’s hard to explain about all the sounds and noices that surround us everywhere in Trivandrum. In town it’s a chaotic bussle with for example all vehicles using their horns at every possible moment.
At home, on top of a hill you’d think it would be quite quiet but since we’re pretty much surrounded by forest there are all sorts of animal sounds all around us as well as very bad isolation meaning we hear the temples and churches (Indian churches not very much like the European ones) as well as anything else going on at the bottom of the hill.
So, it’s our first day back in Helsingborg and I’m dealing with a stomach that’s been getting worse as the trip got on and the Bear woke up with a cold. It’s good to be home.
Sweet Kisses to all!
Happy New Year! January 1, 2009
Klick to see more!
The last day of 2008 I spent as a perfect tourist! We went for lunch at a restaurant I had promised myself last time I was here (4 years ago) that I had to try out next time I came here because I found it just before we left. After that we swam at the beach (for the first time since getting here!) and then continued on at a nearby swimmingpool (for only the second time since getting here!). I also got to do my tourist shopping for the first time since getting here so as we left the beach my bikini was the only thing I was wearing that wasn’t bought that day. The only thing I didn’t get that chance to buy was a necklace because we ran out of time in the end. No problem though, I got the tourist day I’ve been waiting for since getting here! (Click on the picture to see more )
On the way home we had dinner at a cozy little italian restaurant (my stomach has given up on the indian food for this time around) and then came home to sit on the balcony with beer (for some), good company and good conversation watching all the millions of stars we actually get to see from this hill top! Quite nice.
The last couple of years I’ve been starting the new year with a staggering hangover so this/last year was quite nice just to sleep with my bear next to me, just listening to those fireworks outside. Ofcourse, it wasn’t completely by our choice, we have our last dentist appointment today, at 10.30, and I’m on antibiotics so no alcohol for me. But as boring as it may sound to some, it was pleasant, calm and cozy. And even without all the drinking I still feel a kind of renewal of the new year. In fact, I would even take it as far as saying that I feel that renewal more when I can think straight! Heh
It seems a few are wondering why I’m spending so much time at the dentist on my vacation and there’s two reasons for it: 1) Why I’m doing it: It’s very cheap and our teeth get a more thorough work-over done here than they would at home. 2) Why it’s so often: Our dear dentist is working around our very busy (and very tight) schedule. Proof of that fact is that today is our last day in this very warm corner of the world and as I mentioned earlier, we’re going to the dentist. But it’s all good. I’m thinking that I’m getting the chance to start the new year with a new smile.
So, tonight we pack our bags with maybe not as much new stuff I thought I would have (although this time the mans got more new stuff to fill the bag with than the woman), but instead a new bag to pack it all into. I leave this place late (or early tomorrow depending on how you think of it) feeling renewed as usual, ready to face on the world. I’ll be arriving home (atleast this time the trip in only 1 day instead of 3!) to meet the real world with our adorable cats, with our responsibilities as a student and good experiences!
Happy New Year and Sweet kisses to all!
Lots to Do! December 29, 2008
My god have we been busy since getting here! Since I last wrote we’ve been to a small christmas party, gone backwater tripping, visited Varkala, gotten drunk at a big christmas party, gone to the dentist and during all of this eaten great food!
I’ve just had too much to do to be sick, and now it’s over and done with. It’s true what they say though, being sick is a state of mind, I mean I still took care of myself (sortof) by drinking tea with ginger and lime before going to sleep, by sleeping in as much as possible, and making sure I didn’t freeze at night. (Having a doting boyfriend and mother has ofcourse helped. )
The little x-mas party (with kids)
Anyway, the little christmas party we went to on the 25th was very pleasant, lots of english food, and good company (save the kids since they’re little people on acid). In fact we had such a good time neither me nor the bear wanted to go home at the planned time. Out of respect to our driver who was supposed to pick us up at 8.30 the next morning though, we went home and had a good nights sleep instead.
Click to see more!
Varkala
On the 26th we travelled through some backwaters (think Venice but out in nature with palm trees instead of in a city). Pictures will come, just like before, when I get home since I don’t have the right cables with me. Very pleasant even if we looked ridiculous in our given safety vests. …And it was the first time since getting here that I got the chance to bask in the sun and work on my tan. After a very sweaty boat ride we rounded up the day with dinner at Varkala (one of my favorite places in India, despite the fact that many feel it’s exploited) and I ate momo’s! A tibetan course I love beyond description and missed beyond belief! *Yum*
27th became a day at the dentist and an evening with about 70 others celebrating a late christmas. I got a little too drunk met a girl/woman I got along with charmingly and the both of us got completely hammered. In fact, just before leaving to continue the drinking at her place we decided to jump into the hotels pool that we weren’t allowed to use and getting more alcohol at another persons place to continue the night with. All good, lots of fun and we went to bed at 5 am. I woke up completely out of it and after a very tasteless indian subway sandwich we were off to the dentist again. Just before the dentist called us in we quickly bought a toothbrush, some water and some toothpaste out of respect for our dentist so he wouldn’t faint from the reek of alcohol and cigarettes I’d had the night before. Heh. We came home, we passed out.
Today, finally, we had yet another day at the dentist but we actually ate dinner at home and as you can see, I have for the first time had little bit of time to write about alot.
During these days the bear has decided that he wants to live here once his company kicks off and I’ve finished studying and I’ve found out that all houses around here don’t necessarily have to be as decadent I thought. The girl/woman we slept over at had for example a beautiful, clean and comfortable house with a working kitchen and running water. All in all, it’s been interesting, even for me who’s been coming to this chaotic place since I was born. I’ve even come to understand myself a little better and found my roots a bit.
India truly has a way of making me appreciate life in a completely different manner at the same time as it spiritually (not in a godly sense) renews me. It’s a good place to visit.
Tomorrow a magician from Sweden is dropping by to do some tricks in exchange for getting the chance to come by and visit this house that he’s heard so much about and then… you know what? We haven’t actually decided. Maybe things are actually starting to slow down now that we only have 3 whole days left!
Sweet kisses to all!
Sick (again) and Tired December 24, 2008
Serves me right for being so cocky yesterday… I knew as I went to bed that I was probably about to get a cold but I just refused to believe it (can you blame me?). Waking up this morning I knew I wasn’t feeling well, had some breakfast, cancelled the cab and went back to sleep. Damn it. The thing is, a slight cold is managable in Sweden, here though, with all the strange bacterias, the heat, and the sweating a slight cold can turn me into zombie aweful quick. Feel better now though, and ones the worst of the heat passes (around 3pm) me and the bear are gonna go into town and again attempt to do some shopping in town. Yesterday the supporters of the communist party (the party in power) was having a demonstration (the peaceful kind, which Indians are famous for) so most of the roads were blocked and we pretty much ended up spending the afternoon in the car. All one can do is to go with the flow here and try again another day.
Oh, and I just realized that it was christmas (Swedes celebrate is on the 24th) so merry christmas to everyone, and hopefully I’m well enough tomorrow to celebrate it as planned with some acquaintances.
Until then, sickly sweet kisses to all!
