I’ve Gone From… November 13, 2009

…So little to do that I was starting to feel useless, to the limit of having too much to do. Screw my therapist. I can’t deal with having less to do. I don’t like who I turn into and the circles of thoughts that take over my brain. But, I know, it’s all about finding a balance and I think I’m entering one of my highs again (my shakes are returning a little) so it’s not working out all that well for me.

I’m happy right now though! Had an early morning seminar that was good if it hadn’t been for the presentator. A little study time where I found two books about depressions that seem so good that I’m going to buy them (that is, if I can find them). A quick meeting with the student unions vice president about the seminar coming up with the hunger project.

Soon: A meeting with my class mentor about my paper (lets hope he likes what I’ve written so far!) and then Ladies Night with some lovely english speakers I’ve gotten to know the past few months. Tomorrow it’s Malmö to listen to a student defend her doctoral thesis and on Sunday I’m working (and hopefully some training).

Like I said. Became a lot all of a sudden and I’m still making  plans for next week. My dear Bear’s an angel for putting up with me!

Sweet kisses to all.

Reaching For the Stars November 7, 2009

I’ve been writing and exchanging so much with my parents this week that writing in the blogg has just felt… superflous (if that word can even be used in that sense). The little notes I write in facebook has also taken over a little bit. How sad is that?

Anyway, this week has been hell. I’ve been confused, lost and irritated at life and myself. At life for having set what felt like more hinders than encouregments. At myself for not being the type that can multitask as much I’d like. In some ways it’s been necassary though. As much as it sucks, I have to learn my limits at the same time as I reach for the skies. I have to make priorities even as I find many things interesting. It’s all about balance, isn’t it? Personally I find it quite boring to view life that way, so I haven’t cut down on ll that much but at least it’s a start. At least I got my motivation back to finish up school and my parents passed the test (they always do) in not pushing me into anything. Haha. In all honesty though, they’re amazing. They keep being just enough supportive and just enough of the wise parents for me to feel like I’m still the boss over my own life without loosing my way in very dark roads.

I’m surrounded by amazing people though. My dear Bear for his amazing strength and willpower with me and amazing characteristic of always trying to be better. A for going through such hardships that would have made lesser people falter. L for having such an enormous heart. J for always being willing to try something new. The little family of three that amaze me for their inner strength and being so comfortable in their own skin. My boss for always trying to be fair without loosing face. And my parents.

And there ae so many more… E for her high energy, A for her openmindedness. The list goes on and on. This is what makes it so hard to limit myself. All of these people introduce me to a world that I want to get better acquintance with.

I have an innate feeling that I am meant to be /could be a part of something great and awesome, but I feel like my body and mind is too small for all the things I want to achieve. Quite frusterating.

Sweet kisses to all.

Apparantly… November 3, 2009

…I have way too much on my plate that I’m dealing with… which I knew to be true even before my therapist pointed it out to me. She listed it all upp for me and after a little discussion I’m starting to realize why I kept feeling like I kept bashing my head to the wall. Most of the things on my plate are about pure “will”. The only thing that isn’t completely realiant on my will power is work, which would explain why that one usually makes me feel better at the end. It’s also sort of true with my driving lessons because if I don’t cancel it in time and decide not to go, my dad pays 500kr for nothing. Those are my two responsibilities where others rely on my and thus, not completely reliant on my willpower.

Thus, I’ve been told to make a kind of priority list from what matters the most to until my brain says “stop! that’s enough!”

My little family
Politics
Part-time job
Household chores
Friends
Training
—–
School and Aruma
Driving lessons
Marknadsföreningen
Hungerprojektet
Hobbies

The line is where my limit is (I think)… But see, that line is nowhere near realistic. For one reason only. The school. Without the economical support I get to go to school, there’s no chance I’d be able to manage to survive on just a part-time job, Of course, I could get a full time job because the day shifts are where the least stuff happens but then I’d be on the verge of having too much to do again.There’s no way I can take care of household chores, being in a relationship, a full time job and as a fourth: politics for example, or friends, or training. The job takes 9 hours of my day, the chores take atleast two. The fourth choices take about 3 hours and so does a relationship. Granted, I wont be spending 3 hours on the fourth AND 3 hours on relationship everyday, but where relationship wouldn’t be getting the hours, the fourth choice would, and vice versa. So where’s my free time? And what’s a sensible way of dividing relationship and personal life choices?

It’s all hard questions for me. At least I think I’ve pretty much decided on the form of the list… now I just need to figure out how to balance personal life choices and having a relationship. (Because neither are up for debate in being taken of the list!)

Kisses to all.

Get a Grip! October 29, 2009

Ah, woke up this morning for the first time in a week without feeling like I was coming out of a fever dream.

After spending the whole day yesterday in complete misery, I woke up today tired, but feeling much better. Hope it lasts for ateast a week this time so I can get some stuff done.

I’ve decided some things though, I have to make a trip to strengthen me… I need to make my volunteer trip soon. Maybe after this coming summer, before it’s too late and I can’t anymore.

Also, if I can’t get a grip of my school stuff by the end of the week, maybe I should reconsider putting my studying on a shelf and come back a little stronger after Christman. (Hope I get it sorted though.)

Bittersweet kisses to all.

Frusteration October 28, 2009

I’m finding it harder and harder to find the motivation to go to bed at night… and to get up in the mornings. Obviously the two go hand in hand, but annoying none the less. School’s paying a big price because of it. I find myself not wanting to do anything outside the home that I don’t HAVE to. You know, the things where I owe it to others that I show up.

It’s so silly really, it’s the second to last term and, as usual, I loose interest in the end. Not that the interest in my program has ever been all that high, but now there’s none.

I hate being this lethargic, it’s aweful.

I can’t find the motivation to stop eating quite so much – I find every excuse I can find for why I can eat.

I can’t find the motivation to finish up Aruma –  I love the idea behind it but am more and more starting to feel like I’m not the right person for the job.

I can’t find the motivation to go to school – I don’t feel that there’s any reason.

I have though, gotten started on my halloween dress. I guess that’s something. (Too bad it’s just nothing that I can actually put to good ecnomical use. Especially when I, like the Bear put it about something else, I’m the kind to loose interest in the end anyway.

Bitter kisses to all.

Ramblings of a Hungry (and Tired) Mind October 25, 2009

I’m tired of writing about my mood swings, but even my shrink thinks this blog is a good idea for me to keep track of myself.

Anyway, I’ve had an awesome weekend. My cold did end up getting worse but my partner in crime (the girl I hosted the party with) wouldn’t let me off the hook all too easily (which I’m glad for) and the party took place anyway. It became a wonderful mix of people and our “dream sheet” where everyone was to write their dreams became real interesting. Found out some things about some people that surprised me, and I realized how interesting everyone really are, if one can just inte their brains! Wish I could frame it.

Everybody got some cheat notes that they had to use when talking to people which I loved. It gave me a good reason to mingel and I know at least one who usually finds it  hard to initiate a conversation who found them really useful! I stuck to whiskey the whole evening and my cold was actually close to gone by the time I went to bed. Got to love whiskey! I held a pleasant tipsiness the whole evening which was perfect which (hopefully) ensured a pleasant Maina throughout the party and  without a hangover the next day. Lovely!

I’m such a after-party-cleaner so I usually wake up to a nice clean apartment which is wonderful (especially considering the thorough cleaning jobb I usually do before the party). The Bear has found a wonderful café to have breakfast in which he took me to also (perfect way of laying back after having a party) and I really want to try and make a little tradition of having breakfast there every saturday with/without friends!

We went to a little walk to get him some jeans and I, as usual when going shopping with him, wished  I could use him as my sugardaddy. We came home and enjoyed an all around relaxed evening with movies and eachothers company. I missed the salsa outing some friends were having because I had to get up so early for work today but that’s ok. Next time!

The only thing worrying me a little bit right now is all the stuff going on this coming week. All of them equally important and all of it together making my chest crunch from the stress. But atleast I know that, atleast when I’m not being depressive, that I can handle it if I make an effort, and if I do, I usually come out of it feeling 10 feet tall and unbeatable. …I just need to make sure to rest properly afterwards. Especially after a week like this up coming one where my limit and comfortzone will be tested to its limits!

Anyway, I’m so hungry my brains turning fuzzy so it feels like I’m having a hard timewriting coherently. (one more hour of work!)

Sweet kisses to all!

Hate to be Sick October 20, 2009

Damn it… my cold doesn’t seemt to be getting better. Still not bad but it his continues I’ll have to cancel the party we’re having on Friday. Bummer. To make sure that doesn’t happen I have to take care of myself, and rest. Meaning that I have to re-think how important the thing I had hoped to get done today are.

School: about an hour long and necessary so should be able to do that.

Seminar about trafficking in India: sounded so very very interesting and is also just an hour. (but I guess skippable)

I’ve already skipped the training I was thinking of having this morning.

And finally… the hunger projekts launchparty. I’ve invited people and I want L to feel like she can rely on me so it feels like my responsibility to suck it up and just do it. Plus I really want to hear the CEO for the hunger project speak as I’ve heard that she’s really good.Alright… so the only skippable thing then is the seminar isnt it?

Fuck it, I’ll just dress warm and hope for the best. I have to cus there’s just too much stuff going on this week.

Kisses to all.

Life Spunk October 19, 2009

I’m staring to feel like I’m making myself run into a wall over and over again. It’s so easy to just say “no”. Some people seem to have such a hard time with that word but to me it’s much harder with the “yes”, it’s no longer instinctual. My brain’s an expert with the excuses. I don’t get why though. I get in such a good mood from training, yet it’s a struggle each time to get my ass over there. I felt a difference taking place with my food habits yet I’ve started gorging again. I love having many things to do, yet I keep finding excuses to not do them. My love for life has slowly been dissipating and I have no idea why. I think I’m getting sick but I’m not sure if it’s just an excuse to not have to do the things I have in my schedule.

I want to be lively and spunky… But maybe it’s just not possible. I keep doing my best to be all the things I want to be, but I keep meeting that wall. What I want to be and what I actually am seem to be two conpletely separate things.

Silly Thoughts October 16, 2009

It’s really very silly. Once I start thinking about how uninteresting I must be it consumes my mind. Because of the one track direction my mind takes I miss all the chances to actually be social. The social initiatives from my side just stop accuring and I end up feeling very lonely.

So very silly.

Bitter kisses to all.

Autumn Turns to Winter October 14, 2009

It’s quite amazing how the seasons change around here. Summers are 3ish months and winters are a little longer than 5 months long (much too long!)… leaving the transition seasons to pass quite silently by.

Anyway, a sign for me that winter is just around corner is that our covers have gradually gone from having nothing in them, to having a thin blanket inside, to the nice and cozy down blankets inside them.

I can’t really decide about how I feel about the cold creeping in the way it does. It’s partially cozy and the air has a kind of krispness that’s enjoyable. Also, it’s a relief that I can start covering up my body with layers and boots and all that other stuff I love.

On the other hand… it’s cold!! Not fun reading my dads blogg (can’t link through my phone, so look for “Skarner” to the right) about the warmth and exotic quirks of being in south India.

Oh well, there’s enough things going on for this winter to pass by quickly I think. At least this month. Coming weekend: helping the hunger project host at Svalövs golfclubb and Copenhagen to celebrate a darling friends birthday. Next weekend: a get-together and fishing the day after. And finally, the final weekend: Halloween party (where I’m thinking I’ll go as Carrie).

So much to do, so much to do… And I love it!

Sweet kisses to all!