I’ve Gone From… November 13, 2009

…So little to do that I was starting to feel useless, to the limit of having too much to do. Screw my therapist. I can’t deal with having less to do. I don’t like who I turn into and the circles of thoughts that take over my brain. But, I know, it’s all about finding a balance and I think I’m entering one of my highs again (my shakes are returning a little) so it’s not working out all that well for me.

I’m happy right now though! Had an early morning seminar that was good if it hadn’t been for the presentator. A little study time where I found two books about depressions that seem so good that I’m going to buy them (that is, if I can find them). A quick meeting with the student unions vice president about the seminar coming up with the hunger project.

Soon: A meeting with my class mentor about my paper (lets hope he likes what I’ve written so far!) and then Ladies Night with some lovely english speakers I’ve gotten to know the past few months. Tomorrow it’s Malmö to listen to a student defend her doctoral thesis and on Sunday I’m working (and hopefully some training).

Like I said. Became a lot all of a sudden and I’m still making  plans for next week. My dear Bear’s an angel for putting up with me!

Sweet kisses to all.

Reaching For the Stars November 7, 2009

I’ve been writing and exchanging so much with my parents this week that writing in the blogg has just felt… superflous (if that word can even be used in that sense). The little notes I write in facebook has also taken over a little bit. How sad is that?

Anyway, this week has been hell. I’ve been confused, lost and irritated at life and myself. At life for having set what felt like more hinders than encouregments. At myself for not being the type that can multitask as much I’d like. In some ways it’s been necassary though. As much as it sucks, I have to learn my limits at the same time as I reach for the skies. I have to make priorities even as I find many things interesting. It’s all about balance, isn’t it? Personally I find it quite boring to view life that way, so I haven’t cut down on ll that much but at least it’s a start. At least I got my motivation back to finish up school and my parents passed the test (they always do) in not pushing me into anything. Haha. In all honesty though, they’re amazing. They keep being just enough supportive and just enough of the wise parents for me to feel like I’m still the boss over my own life without loosing my way in very dark roads.

I’m surrounded by amazing people though. My dear Bear for his amazing strength and willpower with me and amazing characteristic of always trying to be better. A for going through such hardships that would have made lesser people falter. L for having such an enormous heart. J for always being willing to try something new. The little family of three that amaze me for their inner strength and being so comfortable in their own skin. My boss for always trying to be fair without loosing face. And my parents.

And there ae so many more… E for her high energy, A for her openmindedness. The list goes on and on. This is what makes it so hard to limit myself. All of these people introduce me to a world that I want to get better acquintance with.

I have an innate feeling that I am meant to be /could be a part of something great and awesome, but I feel like my body and mind is too small for all the things I want to achieve. Quite frusterating.

Sweet kisses to all.

I Never Thought I’d Find a Hobby… July 29, 2009

No matter how many positive comments I get for my new haircut one can always count on parents to be dubious to it. They never mean anything bad by it, but I’m their baby and always will be. Heh. Well, that wasn’t the reason for the post today. Today it’s about how awesome I am!

Don’t know if I’ve written it before, but me and the Bear have made a of tradition of him buying fresh buns on his way home from his nightshift (around  5 am) and then having breakfast together before we go back to bed. Today though, I thought I’d take full use of the morning and got up, kept him company and then as he went to bed, I went training. Wasn’t sure I’d actually go ahead and do it, but I did. yay! (Aren’t I the best?) Now, I’m sitting here eating my daily morning porridge truly feeling great about myself.

Yesterday I sat all evening putting together my little cookbook/scrapbook that I had started ages ago but never actually gotten that far with, and today (if it isnt’ too expensive), I thought I’d get some some knitting stuff to bring with me to the summerhouse so I can have something to do there. Homely Maina.

Bringing me to the next subject. For once, I feel like I actually have something to do when I get to the summerhouse. Driving “lessons” with my dad, maybe some knitting, maybe a new i phone to figure out, work on one of my projects, and spend some time with my dear parents. Oh, and it’s the dear dad’s birthday while I’m there. (Although I’m not sure how good of a present the fear of crashing while letting me drive the family car is!) Of course, theory and practice are two seperate things and once with the parents I know I turn into a lazy bum, but since getting rid of the TV I’ve found myself quite enjoying the calm and just fiddling with different stuff. I’m able to relax without getting fidgety, restless and bored, which are all quite neccessary characteristics to be able to enjoy the summerhouse I’ve noticed.

I knew getting rid of the TV was a good idea.

Today though, I have a few things to take care of before working the evening shift.

- Pay a bill and set a date for my driving lessons, fix my bicycle, go to the bank, get my grades fixed, check out knitting stuff and maybe go to the library to get some knitting stuff. -

Sweet kisses to all!

Get me out of here! July 24, 2009

I’m a workaholic, anyone close to me will tell you that. I guess it has a little to do with the fact that I don’t really have any hobbies to speak of. With that in mind it’s not hard to see how I’d rather be making money than staring at the, nicely painted but boring, walls at home. Especially considering that I really don’t like being in a position where I have nothing to do. Now though, my work moral has hit an all time low for ths summer. I just don’t want to work. I try really hard to do a good job because the people at at work are such sweethearts and really want everyone to be happy but I’m getting more and more frusterated. The reason? There’s so much stuff (hobbies if you will) that I’d rather be doing right now! Haha. Hobbies just aren’t good for me to have.

Today for example, it feels like I got absolutely nothing done. I got up, wrote a post and then went training. Came home, showered, went out to buy some stuff I needed and then came home to have a late breakfast. I was hoping to pay some bills and then fiddle a little with my “new” sowing machine before work but instead, I got neither of the two done. Rather, my new found interest to actually understand all the adminstrative things around me left me on the phone with different companies. One of which, of course, was CSN. The devil camouflaged as a helping hand. Or maybe it’s a helping hand that somehow was taken over by the devil. Who knows. Either way, in an attempt to understand the logic behind it I ended up pissing off the poor telefonist (being a telefonist myself I know how frusterating it is with customers like myself calling) and before I knew it I had to go to work.

How do people find the time to get stuff done during the days I wonder?

Oh well, as usual, I have the most patient man on earth by my side who let me rant out and stress out (since I was running late to work). Good thing that, so my colleagues at work didn’t have to deal with it. He’s an angel that man!

Anyway, so here I am, at work, and wanting to be everywhere else but here.

Sweet kisses to all!

High polar July 22, 2009

I ended early yesterday  because of the way I felt and came home to settle down. Instead I did a good job of arguing with my mum and my dear Bear. Poor darlings have a lot to deal with with me. And yes, I am going to train on saying “let’s leave this alone” instead of walking away/out shout/hang up. I truly become an insolent little child when feeling unhappy,cornered and/or attacked.

Oh well, thank you my darlings for always being there for me!

By the time I had gone to bed though I was in a much better mood and had gotten some motivation back to actually do something with my life. Some kidn fo clarity hit me that the best way to feel like an active part of ones own life is to actually do something about it. *shocker*. So I did. I had for example left the idea of making my own website/company about a month ago because I figured I wouldn’t be able to do a good job anyway. Yesterday I decided to actually see how far I can take it before giving up (heard somewhere that that was the order it was supposed to be done ), and got some good feedback this morning. Also, I finally did something about my  political interest instead of thinking I won’t achieve anything anyway (whine, whine, I know) and did something about it and got some good feedback there. (Remind me why I give up so easily when I get so much good feedback everywhere?)

This morning I did some pilates for the first time in ages and had a good healthy breakfast. Good start.

I’ve been wanting to start sowing but the more I looked it up on the net yesterday, the more I figured that it’s nothing for me. My dear Bear made me realize that it’s all laziness and so today I went to the library and borrowed a couple of books. While there I couldn’t help but get motivated to try out another hobby if this one didn’t work out. There’s so much out there!

Today I was supposed to have a very short shift at work but one of my collegues called to see how I felt. the sweetheart told me that there wasn’t much to do anyway so it was up to me if  I wanted to work as planned or work an even smaller shift and that’s what we finally decided to go with. After a tiny little 3 hour shift I ended my work day. Lovely.

Finally, I just made some dinner (for some reason vegetarian cooking is much more pleasant than cooking with meat.) and I’m feeling like I’ve been good today.

And yes, I may be turning into a freakin’ housewife. Just don’t tell me I am and I might not mind. *wink*

Sweet kisses to all the wonderfully patient people out there.

Support July 10, 2009

You know someone’s an integrated part of the family when they spend the weekend with ones parents…without you yourself being around. My dear Bear has left today to travel to our summer home together with his parents to be with my parents, while I stay behind. And work. Yay.

Oh well, it’s all coming back as a yummy little load of money at the end of the summer. And  I have our cats that like to take his spot in bed when he’s not around.

Last post I wrote wasn’t of the happy sort I know. It’s funny how just getting the chance to ventilate can ease the weight tenfold. And some time with ones significant other. And a reply from a company that I wrote to about a month ago.

Maybe there’s a light in the end of the tunnel after all.

Kisses to all.

Cooking Queen June 25, 2009

I went from having been very bored the past two days to having so much to do I’ve forgotten to eat. Went training, cleaned the apartment a bit cuz I’m having guests over to make banoffie pie tonight, gone shopping for foods and stuff and then since then basically been in the kitchen attempting to make a vegetarian lasagne. Been a while since I’ve spent this much time in the kitchen! And I still have a banoffie pie to make! …Atleast that craves no cooking, baking or frying.

I usually make a killer lasagna but that with the beloved meat. And qourn is scary because I’m not sure how it’s to be handled. I hate cooking enough as it is, so I don’t want to make it even less fun. Thus, I whipped out another lasagne that seemed cheap to make and made an effort.

The thing is, I get so stressed from cooking that my dear Bear knew to leave me alone when he got home from work. The most attention I got being a quick kiss before he left to go training. (Got to love an understanding boyfriend!) The stress of it all has given me a sense of achievment though which is a nice feeling, even if I realized after putting the lasagna into the oven that I’d forgotten an ingredient. Oh well! At least I did my best. I hope it at least deserves a white lie of how good it was from the guests! I don’t after all want my stressful food being critisized. Any kind of critisizm over my food keeps me away from either the kitchen  for awhile of that course for almost forever.

I know, I’m all drama.

Sweet kisses to all!

 

Music and Growth June 23, 2009

Funny how ones taste in music can change to such extremes while growing up. 

The first stuff I listened to was bad stuff like all 4 one, mariah carey, mc hammer.

A few years later i was into hard stuff like pantera, nine inch nails, marylin manson, korn.

Now, almost 10 years later it’s mellowed and although I still like most blasts from the past, I also find myself listening to things like empire of the sun.

For so long I’ve been embarassed to share my taste of music, but here in Helsingborg I’ve found people who respect my, both good and bad, taste in music. I remember having so much respect for my mum for liking everything between tool and take that, because she just didn’t give a damn what people thought. 

…And if there’s one thing I like about the Bear it’s that he’s got that same quality, and it’s rubbed of on me, and it’s such a relief! After all, isn’t music supposed to be personal? How can it be personal if it defines an image? Personally, I think sticking within the frames of an image isnt flexible enough to keep up with the dynamics of personality.

I’d rather have a personality than an image, but that’s just me, and I’m glad to be free of my self-made frames.

Kisses to all.

What To Do June 13, 2009

I know I said I wouldn’t go shopping until I’d gone down a few kilos, but I had a “presentkort”… which I have no idea how translate to English. Basically it’s a card with a little money already in it which can be used on a specific store. Usually something one gives away as a present.

Anyway, I got one of those from my apprentice place, and it has to, of course, be used!  I bought a pair of jeans so, ok, I had to use some of my money as well, but atleast it was a good excuse to get something that usually completely breaks my economy. Heh. (I love my excuses). 

Having lunch with a friend, shopping, and getting to meet my Bear often enough to atleast get a few kisses, has made this a wonderful day despite the fact that my bicycle got stolen!

Right now I’m just trying to get used to not having a tv to kill the evening hours with. For the past two days I’ve had quite a lot of energy and stuff to use that energy on that I hadn’t actually missed our dear tv. Today though, I’m actually feeling a little abstinence! A sure sign of an addiction, wouldnt you say? I’m not really in the mood to do anything, which is usually a nice reason to just be couch potato but that’s sort of the point of this little challenge, isn’t it? To find something else to do, instead of watching tv.

Yes, I know, there’s a lot of stuff that I can do, my brain just needs a little training. After all, the only other times I’ve ever actually been without tv is on vacation… isn’t that sad? Anyway, it’s gonna be nice when this feeling passes!

Sweet kisses to all!

Life is Good! June 1, 2009

(I’ve got a cat behind my laptop as I write this, and all I can see it is a furry stomach and a pair of curled up paws. Adorable.)

My parents have been in town for 3 nights and I have to say that it was one of the most pleasant stay overs I’ve experienced with them. For one, my mom was in a good mood, which was a first for her while in Helsingborg!

Other reasons? The apartment is as clean as it can be and we’ve eaten good food throughout the weekend. 

Friday: 
Ribs 
Halloumi salad

Saturday:
Mum’s lamb *yum!*

Restaurant food, where the quality of the food and company was as high as the price that came along with it. *Poor dad*

Sunday:
Bears tandoori chicken and best potato salad ever! Why? Because it was the first one I’ve tasted without any of that awful dill! 

Caesar salad a’la Maina

Monday:
Bears home made meatballs – always a winner.

…Can’t get much better.

On top of that my parents have a wonderful habit of giving us the monetary means to refill our fridge and freezer to our taste when they visit, so more good food to come!

I got to see a completely new side of my mother-in-law on Saturday as well. I got to meet a very relaxed and happy woman who could kick back once the responsibilities were of her shoulders. Wonderful to see.

I even got my first summer sunbathing done!

Now, I just need to sit down, get started, and send off my final paper for this term so the Bear and I can fly to London next weekend with a clear conscience! (Good thing my parents have done such a god job of scaring our cats half to death all weekend that they’re now quietly recuperating.

Sweet kisses to all!