One with the Herd July 30, 2008

I’ve always considered myself to have an ok weight that I can be somewhat proud of. This year though, my self confidence has plummeted. If I have a choice, I’d rather not have my body exposed in any way or form. Today is good proof of that. The bear and some friends are going to the beach and there’s no way I’m coming along. The thought of having to sit half naked in front of so many people… I never used to care. Don’t know what you’ve got until you’ve lost it right? I’ve heard so many comments on people wearing the wrong clothes for their weight, or how stupid/ugly they look for being overweight that the thought of people doing that with me is petrifying.

As the bear put it, I’m a socionom, I should know better than worry about what other people say.

…But at the same time I don’t want to tell myself that it’s ok to go up in weight when all I need to do is take care of myself. As narcisstistic as it sounds, I like being pretty. And yes, for some reason my brain has swallowed the whole “skinny is beautiful”, when I before always thought self-confidence and health was where beauty was. Rather be a little too skinny than a little to chubby now. Pretty pathetic isn’t it? I’ve finally become one with the brainless mass I hated so much before moving down here.

Not asking for pity because I’ve only got myself to blame and I’m the one setting demands. I just want to ventilate, that’s what this blog is for right?

Bitter kisses to all.

I Survived to Live Yet Another Year! May 24, 2008

So, this wonderfully sunny and warm day I am no longer as we swedes call it, an “ungdom”, no more special prices because I’m no longer a youth. From now on I’m considered a grown up. (!!) Funny how one day can have that effect!

Yes, today’s my birthday. I’m spent the last few days cleaning, fixing indian snacks I’ve never done in my life (bugging my mom to death with my cooking questions in all times of the day) and basically looking forward to meeting up with friends to celebrate that I’m getting older (shocker!). Heh. Well, it’s all wrapping up today and hopefully there’s a lot people coming by to celebrate with the little princess (me)! Should be fun to see how people are dressing up for the colourful/indian theme I’ve got going on for tonight!

Happy Birthday to me! … and kisses to all!

Little Joys and Huge Disappointments April 26, 2008

…and tomorrow my dear mother returns as well. *yay*

Really looking forward to meeting the two of them next week!

On a more boring note I got my last exam back and I failed it. I guess there’s always a first. The worst part though, is that I have no idea how I should have answered it to get a passing grade. Quite frustrating.

I’ve also gained so much weight lately that I’ve surpassed the maximum weight I’ve told myself that I should never reach, as well as started smoking again.

All my motivation lately: gone.

I really have to change these nasty new (old) habits I’ve picked up (again). I’ve had enough. Just don’t anyone lecture me or give me a morality speech please!! They don’t help *grumble*

On a happy note, I got my first double pay check! Money!!!! It’s nice to have a little to play with again! *muahaha*

Finally, the spex is over! …I was hoping to put up a few pictures for everyone to enjoy but it seems the spexpage is down again so i can’t upload any pictures.

Until next time…
Sweet kisses to all!

Beautiful Me and Beautiful You December 22, 2007

 

What do you think? Too bad this bloggsite for some reason distorts the photos making them quite bland and pale. None the less you get to see the truly girlyicious days I’ve had with my future make-up artist for a friend, Jenny. The two upper photos is taken by myself just to have something for show from a week ago (It’s the Lime and Dessert look for those of you who are wondering). The bottom one though, is from today for Jenny’s “book” so to say. Jenny, is of course is the make-up artist yet again, but the photographer this time, is my darling bear and personally, I think I look damned good! Haha, so the two of them did a good job. 

Hope J’s happy with her, re-touched, photos none the less, her teacher’s gonna be the one to take a look and make comments on it.

Ah well, ‘nough said about me. (yea right, my blogg!)

I’m learning to be a little more self-less this winter, which is probably a very good christmas-y thing to learn. The reason for me saying this is I managed to spend a half day shopping for christmas presents without getting anything for myself. Not on purpose mind you, but once at home it felt kinda nice having gotten for others rather than myself. I’ll admit though that I’m going shopping tomorrow to get myself all that wonderful stuff i didn’t get the chance to get last time. hehe But atleast I’m learning!!

Alright, before I write too much I have to wish all you wonderful people out there a Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year just in case I don’t get the chance to write until next year!

Hugs! …and sweet kisses to all!

p.s. Pappa, tell mamma I’ve got some pictures she might like.

So called "Jantelagen" November 10, 2007

Jantelagen = the swedish unwritten rule that one shouldn’t stick out of the crowd and think one’s better than others in any way or form.

1) Thou shallt not think you are anything
2) You shall not think you are as good as us
3) You shall not think you are as wise as us
4) You shall not think you are better than us
5) You shall not think you know more than us
6) You shall not think you are better than us
7) You shall not think you are adequate at anything
You shall not laught at us
9) You shall no think anyone cares about you
10) You shall not think you can teach us anything
(wikipedia)

Me and the bear went to the theater yesterday. “Camping” it was called. I think I’ve now been to a total of three plays (and been on stage twice), which is nothing, but I have yet to sit and yawn of boredom at one. So what did I think of this one? Act one: very good. I don’t laugh out loud at obvious jokes on TV, books or on stage very often but once in awhile it happens and during the first act that little miracle did happen. After a big discussion back and forth if we should go or not, I was quite glad we had. But then, by act 2, it turned into dissapointment. By the end of the play I felt that the director was trying to enforce the “jantelag” on to the public. In the end the moral had been; “I’ve destroyed a 20-year old friendship by thinking that I could help them now that I’m doing so well”.

My parents had always enforced me to be proud of my achievements and let others enjoy from my welfare, as well as letting others enjoy theirs (although that can of course be much harder to stomach sometimes *wink*). I knew that the so called “jantelag” was a well known fact of the swedish culture, but what I hadn’t realized what that it had such a intricately active part of the society.

What a strange country to have built ones way of thinking on something as inauspicious as thus. But it also makes me so proud of my father for being able to be proud of his own, and others’ achievements. It also explains so much. Why, for example, so many in the swedish side of my family has never been able to just be happy for us. I could never understand why my (not so) sweet aunt disliked my mom for wearing gawdy jewellery (which btw, she doesn’t wear to show-off, but rather because she likes the style and me and my dad love her for it) or frowned when my father spoke of his travelling. But if the “jantelag” is truly such a big part of the society as it apparantly is… than it all makes sense. Somehow, this makes it easier for me to let go of some of the anger I had towards them. *ahh*
This understanding also makes me realize that I’m no better than anyone else who dismisses a person without looking at their background.

What a twist of the jantelag.

Before I leave feeling like a wizened girl I thought to bepart with the much more positiv “omvända (backward) jantelag”

1) You are amazing
2) You are worth much more than you think
3) You have knowledge
4) You are good as you are
5) You knows much others don’t
6) You have much to be proud of
7) You are adequate
You are welcome to laugh
9) Someone out there does care about you
10) You have knowledge to spread

Sweet kisses to all

…and with a hop and a leap she’s in the lime light, part-taking in the play of life… May 8, 2007

Alright, I’ll start mine just like everyone else at this point… I guess I’ve finally just fallen for the pressure (as if one has to defend the fact that one’s starting a blogg)… and i’m no different

To be quite honest I don’t know why I’ve been so hesitant to start a blogg.

Ok, that was a lie. I do. I’m worried what people will think if they really knew what was going on in my brain. “Maina the Whina” will truly be born and grow into it’s fullness. And as for myself, I’m afraid of what I’ll find out about myself if I’m truly honest to everyone else who bothers to read this! Hah. I guess the fact that I believe that my words have so much power is a little give away to the control-freak I am. A friend ones told me people would probably go crazy if they got a sneak peak into my brain. Lol. But I shant talk of myself as if I’m so different from everyone else. Most people’s problem is, afterall, that they think that they are alone and different, when truly they are not. Some people are just better at hiding it than others.

None the less, I thought to take this as a challenge into training my mind into NOT over thinking things that bother me by writing about OTHER things than that which I THINK is bothering me. So, a little twist to why people usually have a blogg for!

Let the challenge begin.