Apparantly… November 3, 2009

…I have way too much on my plate that I’m dealing with… which I knew to be true even before my therapist pointed it out to me. She listed it all upp for me and after a little discussion I’m starting to realize why I kept feeling like I kept bashing my head to the wall. Most of the things on my plate are about pure “will”. The only thing that isn’t completely realiant on my will power is work, which would explain why that one usually makes me feel better at the end. It’s also sort of true with my driving lessons because if I don’t cancel it in time and decide not to go, my dad pays 500kr for nothing. Those are my two responsibilities where others rely on my and thus, not completely reliant on my willpower.

Thus, I’ve been told to make a kind of priority list from what matters the most to until my brain says “stop! that’s enough!”

My little family
Politics
Part-time job
Household chores
Friends
Training
—–
School and Aruma
Driving lessons
Marknadsföreningen
Hungerprojektet
Hobbies

The line is where my limit is (I think)… But see, that line is nowhere near realistic. For one reason only. The school. Without the economical support I get to go to school, there’s no chance I’d be able to manage to survive on just a part-time job, Of course, I could get a full time job because the day shifts are where the least stuff happens but then I’d be on the verge of having too much to do again.There’s no way I can take care of household chores, being in a relationship, a full time job and as a fourth: politics for example, or friends, or training. The job takes 9 hours of my day, the chores take atleast two. The fourth choices take about 3 hours and so does a relationship. Granted, I wont be spending 3 hours on the fourth AND 3 hours on relationship everyday, but where relationship wouldn’t be getting the hours, the fourth choice would, and vice versa. So where’s my free time? And what’s a sensible way of dividing relationship and personal life choices?

It’s all hard questions for me. At least I think I’ve pretty much decided on the form of the list… now I just need to figure out how to balance personal life choices and having a relationship. (Because neither are up for debate in being taken of the list!)

Kisses to all.

Goodnight September 13, 2009

It’s been a wonderful weekend!

Saturday we started the day by selling off our old bed and making a little extra cash. (All of a sudden we have enough money to buy that warderobe we wanted) After our regular weekend “Eureka” we had a coffee with friends and then went off to a little get together in Lund a friend was holding for the exchange students he’s responsible for. Quite interesting getting to know people from Iran, China, Germany and India the way we did. Especially since I love picking the brains of people with cultures and religions so different from what I’m used to. Most interesting of all though, is having to go to work after sleeping just 3 hours. Somehow, my brain and body managed to muster up all the energy I needed to keep a good mood, even be more productive at work than I have been for months! Afterwards my dear Bear took me out to a “lunner” (late lunch – early dinner) and movies (Public Enemy) to finally get home at around nine in the evening… with some energy over to spare. Amazing.

But now, I’m having a long sip of cold, cold water, going of to get a good nights sleep and hopefully spend the rest of the week actually get some studying done!

Kisses to all.

Turnover September 11, 2009

I thought I’d give a shot at making falefel today cuz made well, they’re wonderful. Alas, I never realized how dangerous it could be. I managed to not follow the recipie very well, burn half the batch and burn my arm on the oil.

I curse thee falafel!

In all seriousness today should have been shit. But it hasn’t been. I was stood up on a lunch date without knowing why, I got burned cooking and I’m working on a Friday. I really don’t want to be at work, and I’m a little annoyed that they can’t take in more personell but whatever, none of it is enough to get me in a bad mood. (To be honest i probably just want to go home to get back into our comfy new bed again )

So what happened since last time? …Because I obviously had a quivk recovery from a couple of days ago.

A classmate sent me a messege about nothing special at all but that nothing special at all made me feel a little bit less like a plague to keep away from. I gave my dad a call and had a thorough cry-out and got a call from my dear Bear to make me smile (they make a great combo those two).  Yesterday I had, I think for the first time, a lunch hour at school were I didn’t feel like a freaky outsider and the same girl from the day before again made me feel like I was ok and had a friend. If I had or not is beside the point, but it helped. I doubt any these two girls realize what a difference they made to my day but I’m glad they did.

All the little things are what do it.

Sweet kisses to all!

 

Good Days August 31, 2009

It’s a wonderful thing to meet someone who gives strength and energy to, rather than sucking the energy of, you. At the end of our lunch today I didn’t, as I usually do, wonder or worry about what I’d said wrong or forget to say. If I was being inconsiderate or being too much in my own world.  It’s been awhile. I was in such a good mood that the first thing I did when I got home was to sit down with my own project with no procrastination. She herself had so much “go” in her that I got a little inspired I have to say… not by her personally but by the meeting of two people like us. Maybe, just maybe, I can believe that I’m ok just the way I am again?

I don’t know if the reason I didn’t feel so self-concious was because I felt like I understood her, because she had a similar background as me. I didn’t have to wonder and figure her out quite as much as I’m constantly doing with so many others around me. I Didn’t have to wonder what it was that made her tick. Yes, I know, just because it’s the same background it doesn’t mean that we’re the same, (wouldn’t want to meet another me anyhow) but it does simplify things. She seemed to have gotten to know a few people living in Helsingborg, with an international background… wish I could find what dark little corner they’ve managed to hide themselves in. I’d found one some time ago but despite the similarities we were just in two completely different stages of our lives and it didn’t work out. (Speaking of similar backgrounds not always being enough). A pity, but one can’t get along with everyone.

It’s been a good day in general though. A short shift at work. A nice (free!) lunch with someone new, getting a bit done with my project, dinner with mum-in-law (also free!), going to IKEA for new bed (have to wait another week) and finally, a pleasant evening with friends to round it off. Another plus here is (no shocker to the enlightened ones out there), I found out that I wasn’t the only one feeling like friends or making good friends was a hard thing to figure out. Despite the feeling that I think that was the end of our similaraties I’m realizing that maybe I should start looking for things I have in common with people instead of focusing on how different I think I am, and trying to find people who I think are different, like me. Such an adolescent way of thinking to be honest.

Tomorrow college life starts again… I’m hoping to get some pilates done tomorrow before school, then speak my case to the school institution I belong to in the name of the hunger project, get my one-hour driving lesson and then go off to work. Maybe get some food in there somewhere although I doubt that it’ll be for free this time around.

Sweet kisses.

Bounce! July 16, 2009

I don’t know why I’m so tired all the time but atleast I’m getting things done again. Granted, I slept until 11.30 (went to sleep aroung 00.00) but have washed clothes, gone training, made myself a nice healthy lunch and fixed my train tickets that I initially thought I’d lost. I’ve also started a training diary of sorts to keep track of my weight and size so to say. I bought a measuring tape a while back because I felt that just weighing myself is a crap way of keeping track of my fitness, so this is going to be interesting. I am going to get skinny one day. I promise myself that. (Can you tell I got my bounce back? )

Not too bad for about 4 hours I feel. I made myself a little list of things I wanted to get done last night before going to bed, I think that helped. Apparantly I need a list of the things I’ve thought about doing to remind myself of the things I can do before I get bored (not just the boring stuff). On this list I’ve written everything, from the little things that take about 2 sec to do, to the bigger projects that I’ve been thinking about and hopefully can become a hobby. So much to do! Now I just have to train myself into thinking that it’s fun to do stuff all the time, instead of thinking of them as more boring than wasting away in front of the computer watching series all day (I mean, what was the point of getting rid of the tv?)

Well, I’ve got some stuff to look forward to none the less.  A friend’s coming by on friday before he moves back up to Stockholm, The Bear and I are watching a comedy show on monday, and the festival’s in full swing next weekend. Next weekend I also finally get some cash inflow which’ll be much appreciate for my dried out economical well. Yay for the end of the month!

It’s funny though, I’m torn between wanting september to come along so I can get started with school because that automatically gives me something to do, getting a driving licence, and having more money (government loan plus extra job has that effect). On the other hand, I really don’t want summer to end because I hate the winter, or atleast, that’s how it feels now.

Oh crap, I’m of to work!

Kisses to all!

Life is Good! June 1, 2009

(I’ve got a cat behind my laptop as I write this, and all I can see it is a furry stomach and a pair of curled up paws. Adorable.)

My parents have been in town for 3 nights and I have to say that it was one of the most pleasant stay overs I’ve experienced with them. For one, my mom was in a good mood, which was a first for her while in Helsingborg!

Other reasons? The apartment is as clean as it can be and we’ve eaten good food throughout the weekend. 

Friday: 
Ribs 
Halloumi salad

Saturday:
Mum’s lamb *yum!*

Restaurant food, where the quality of the food and company was as high as the price that came along with it. *Poor dad*

Sunday:
Bears tandoori chicken and best potato salad ever! Why? Because it was the first one I’ve tasted without any of that awful dill! 

Caesar salad a’la Maina

Monday:
Bears home made meatballs – always a winner.

…Can’t get much better.

On top of that my parents have a wonderful habit of giving us the monetary means to refill our fridge and freezer to our taste when they visit, so more good food to come!

I got to see a completely new side of my mother-in-law on Saturday as well. I got to meet a very relaxed and happy woman who could kick back once the responsibilities were of her shoulders. Wonderful to see.

I even got my first summer sunbathing done!

Now, I just need to sit down, get started, and send off my final paper for this term so the Bear and I can fly to London next weekend with a clear conscience! (Good thing my parents have done such a god job of scaring our cats half to death all weekend that they’re now quietly recuperating.

Sweet kisses to all!

I Love Thee, Summer May 27, 2009

My summer has (inofficially) started! As hard as it was for me at the place in the beginning and as frusterated I’ve been at the teacher I’ve had for the term, I can proudly say that I saw it through. With flying colours even, at least according to the people I worked with who gave me very good references, a nice little farewell gift I can use at one of Malmö’s malls and very many best wishes. Couldn’t be better. 

…Now I just have to get started with my final paper and do my best to make it one of the best works I’ve ever made so I don’t give the teacher any more excuses to hassle me.

Sweet kisses to all!

Hata CSN May 8, 2009

I forgot to mention one of the best parts of that trip I last wrote about. I got my mum’s very old, very broken bag replaced, for completely free. The handle broke on the way and it got replaced with a much better bag on the spot. How great is that!  I wasn’t even that bothered about the handle breaking, but the sister”in-law” being so mother-like she convinced me to do it. So I got a pleasant surprise. Haha. Service like that is irreplaceable.

I just noticed it when I was cleaning up (much love to the Bear for being such an understanding boyfriend and waiting so patiently for me to do my part of the homely chores!)

Other than that, I changed my decision in my CSN (aka student loan) dilemma i had a couple of months ago. (I’m not allowed to make above a certain amount of money while I’m taking a student loan). I had a while ago decided that I was just going to take the chance and work less over the summer so I don’t go above the max. The last few weeks ago though, I’ve realized that there’s no way I’m going to manage that low income! So, after having a discussion with a classmate of all the things that annoy us (CSN, social democrats – aka Swedish socialist party – and the low standard of education in our socionomy course) I decided I’ve had enough trying to reconsider both my economy and CSN at the same time since that is an obvious impossibility and decided to make the money, since economic freedom comes higher than trying to make sense of a system that’s done a great job of hustling students for a long time.

To put it simply as possible:
There’s two parts of the student “wage”. A kind of “free” part that one can get despite how much one makes and doesn’t have to be paid back to CSN, and a loan where each individual can pretty much choose how high or low of a loan they want (within limits) for a maximum of 240 study weeks. This loan one starts paying back as soon one makes enough money according to CSN. That part all makes sense, right? So, let’s add on a little bit of information that I think can make sense of to some degree.

Depending on how much of a loan one takes there’s also a maximum amount of money one can make on the side.  Also, if I should only take the first part of the student “wage” which is “free” then I’m allowed to make as much as I want and I don’t have to pay that little sum back. Now to the tricky part:

I decide how much loan I want to take out, so I’ve got the crazy idea in my head that then it should also be up to me how much money I want to make on the side. I’m thinkin’ that if I’m encouraged to work, and on top of that enjoy working, there’s a better chance that I’ll be able to pay that loan back right? But no. I’m not allowed to make more money than what CSN has decided is a good amount for us student. Decrease the loan and I can make more money but with a sum total that still wouldn’t be that much higher than if I worked less and had a higher loan. I get that it’s all tax money and thus should not be abused, but how is me wanting to make money and paying taxes bad for business, or even better (worse), bad in the world of taxes?

…The hustling doesn’t end there. If I should make more money than the loan allows I have to pay CSN that extra amount I’ve made at a later point. How the hell did they get the rights to the money that I made, on my own, without their help?

Oh, and remember that first part of the CSN that’s kind of “free”? As I mentioned earlier I can make as much as I want by only getting that part of the student “wage” without having to pay back at some point. But, if god forbid, I take out a loan as well and make too much money? Then I have to, for some reason I have yet to figure out, (and I don’t think everyone knows this) pay a part of that “free” sum back as well. Eh? What?!

I can to some degree understand that one shouldn’t get this part if one doesn’t need it… But does it make sense that I have to pay that part back only if I also take a loan? Is the idea that by then I’m not supposed to know how much they’re asking for me to pay back so they may as well add on a little from something that’s supposed to be “free”?

I’ve actually sat with a poor telefonservice woman at CSN to try and get some sense out of this but ended up hanging up the phone more confused than ever.

I finally understand why so many dislike CSN!

Bitter kisses to all.

Change! ….Please? October 24, 2008

Funny how having a temporary down can make any other place seem better than the one I’m at the moment of the mood. As I feel right now, I want to move back to Stockholm. Go back to something I know where I have friends and I understand the people. But then I think about it and I realize that there was a reason why I left. I still like Helsingborg as a town but I want something I’m not sure Helsingborg can offer me. So I need a new adventure I guess.

I can almost see Georgie rolling his eyes at me, I go through this wherever I go. I guess being a child of a family that moves around a lot I’ve always enjoyed the luxury of just leaving everything behind instead of planning a future in that specific place. 

None the less. Unless I change subject that’s not a possibility since socionomy (not sociology) doesn’t really exist in other countries. 

Oh well. I guess it’s life’s way of telling me to learn to deal with the situation I’m in for once.

Kisses to all.

Lost in Thought October 15, 2008

Of course I missed the last day I was supposed to write my positive thoughts. Although the reason was a good one. I was having a good day.

The bear came home and I finally got my schoolbooks so I was busy making up for lost time… with both books and boyfriend.

So, did it help? Beating the negative thoughts to the punch by forcing the positive ones out first, first thing in the morning? I think it actually did. It balanced me out because my morning mood didn’t get so jumbled. I’m nicer at school for example, although I don’t know if that has anything to do with it.

There’s just one, very sad, problem, by not letting myself be able to write a “but” to anything, be cynical or even a slightly negative thought about anything (since that will just get me started), I’ve realized I don’t have anything to write about. My thoughts are what made me feel like I need or want to write, not what I’ve done with my days. How to say this without sounding negative… I’m just not as active as some people are. I’m a thinker more than a doer. I guess that’s the next point to find balance in: self-activity. 

So, for now, I’m going to continue writing down the positive thoughts, first thing in the morning. Just have to figure out where I want to do it? Shall I do it openly, in my blogg for all to read? …Because that’s the only way I’ll be interested in writing them up, knowing myself (I am, after all, a flasher of my soul). Or should I write them in the privacy of my thought-book that hasn’t seen the light of day since I started blogging? …Because lets face it, even I don’t find that stuff so interesting to read. On the other hand, writing in this blogg should be for myself and not for the non-existent mass of readers I have. Heh. 

As I was saying, I’m a thinker. Before you know it, I’ve made a decision though, which I usually don’t share. Funny how to me the thought process is more interesting than the decision.

Anyway, as I decide that, I have to figure out a way to activate myself. Another list perhaps? I am a lister as well after all.

I am truly my own constant project.

Kisses.