Apparantly… November 3, 2009

…I have way too much on my plate that I’m dealing with… which I knew to be true even before my therapist pointed it out to me. She listed it all upp for me and after a little discussion I’m starting to realize why I kept feeling like I kept bashing my head to the wall. Most of the things on my plate are about pure “will”. The only thing that isn’t completely realiant on my will power is work, which would explain why that one usually makes me feel better at the end. It’s also sort of true with my driving lessons because if I don’t cancel it in time and decide not to go, my dad pays 500kr for nothing. Those are my two responsibilities where others rely on my and thus, not completely reliant on my willpower.

Thus, I’ve been told to make a kind of priority list from what matters the most to until my brain says “stop! that’s enough!”

My little family
Politics
Part-time job
Household chores
Friends
Training
—–
School and Aruma
Driving lessons
Marknadsföreningen
Hungerprojektet
Hobbies

The line is where my limit is (I think)… But see, that line is nowhere near realistic. For one reason only. The school. Without the economical support I get to go to school, there’s no chance I’d be able to manage to survive on just a part-time job, Of course, I could get a full time job because the day shifts are where the least stuff happens but then I’d be on the verge of having too much to do again.There’s no way I can take care of household chores, being in a relationship, a full time job and as a fourth: politics for example, or friends, or training. The job takes 9 hours of my day, the chores take atleast two. The fourth choices take about 3 hours and so does a relationship. Granted, I wont be spending 3 hours on the fourth AND 3 hours on relationship everyday, but where relationship wouldn’t be getting the hours, the fourth choice would, and vice versa. So where’s my free time? And what’s a sensible way of dividing relationship and personal life choices?

It’s all hard questions for me. At least I think I’ve pretty much decided on the form of the list… now I just need to figure out how to balance personal life choices and having a relationship. (Because neither are up for debate in being taken of the list!)

Kisses to all.

Carl Rogers and I October 4, 2009

My life is great right now. I’m more in love than I’ve ever been, I feel self-actualized, my depression’s been keeping at bay for awhile and I’m looking towards my future with a kind of pleasant curiosity. All of this ofcourse, is a great boost to my self confidence.

There’s just one problem: each time I see a picture of myself I’m dissapointed with what I see. In my head I’m beautiful. In the photos I’m… not.

Carl Rogers believed (in very simplified terms) that that the greater the gap between the “ideal” self and the “real” self are, the more unfillfilled a person is, and this is exactly my problem right now. In most aspects I feel that I’ve been able to get these two parts to coincide but this one thing – my looks – is a real thorn in my side. I just don’t know how to solve it.

Obviously, training and eating healthy is the way to go but what exactly does that mean? The changes don’t exactly take place immediately so how do I know that I’m doing the right thing? Training-wise I’m starting with 2x / week to then make it 3, with a final goal of 4x / week. I don’t know if I’ll manage, but it feels like a somewhat realistic goal. Problem is, I lead such an unactive life (don’t move around enough) that I don’t think this is enough. My food habits has to change as well. This is where my mind gets really jumbled.

The good thing about easing into my training is that because I’m not gifted with the natural love of training and working with the body, I’m not doing more than I feel I can handle. Otherwise there’s a risk that I’m doing it because I’m “supposed” to, because I “have” to and all those other boorish reasons. Not because I enjoy it, or because I feel good doing it. The only way to make it work in the long run is by enjoying it and not overdoing it. I’m thinking (hoping? wishing?) that it’s the same way with food.

I love food. I don’t like making it, but I love eating it and going on some pop-diets is not my thing (even if I’ve made half-hearted attempts at some.) Not allowing myself to eat all the things I enjoy is not a long lasting solution for me. I really believe that as long as one trains or leads an active life, it’s enough with eating healthy though, so that’s ok. But what exactly does it mean to eat healthy? What size does, for example, a healthy portion of food have?

Maybe this is where I should start? Teach myself to eat smaller portions (like 2/3 of my dear Bear’s portion instead of a third more) and then take it from there. I may not become skinny fast doing this but it’s a much more long lasting solution.

Kisses to all.

Shake That September 19, 2009

I think I might have figured out a way to get rid of my shakes.

It’s hard to explain, but a good way of knowing that everything’s not right with me is by the way my hand shakes because ( I think) my body’s so tense. This time though, it hasn’t stopped despite (or because of) the fact that I’ve been a state of positiv frenzy for a while now, my body’s been tense for what feels like an extremely long period of time (which is tiring even if it’s better than being down). Tuesday I went training though and noticed that my shakes simmered down for the rest of that evening. Yesterday I went training again and same thing happened again. I got the tip to try and understand how my dips and highs work so that I don’t have to swing quite as much like I do and work with it. Maybe this is one of those little steps?

Btw, have I ever mentioned that I have the best boyfriend ever?

Sweet kisses to all!

“Life” struggles September 16, 2009

It’s a wonder how many things in life one actually struggles with. So much about life is about being structured and well disciplined.

For example:
I know that waking up at 6 am is the best way to make sure that I’ll have a good day, but it’s not like that’s something the mind and body does willingly without a little discipline.

I know that I feel best when I’m not overeating or eating cookies but because it’s so easy to resort to that when one feels a little empty inside or bored, it (surprise, surprise) takes discipline to not let the Id (for the freudians out there) take over.

I know that the best way to ensure a happy body is to train atleast twice a week, but without the inital interest or motivation to do so, it’s all about the discipline.

These three things are, I think, three very basic things for a happy mind and soul, but if all three craves as much discipline from my side as they apparantly do, where’s the joy in taking care of ones well-being? Because it has to be a little enjoyable, no?

It’s much easier to feel happiness and joy when one’s working towards something, instead of working away from something, after all.

For example:
It’s much easier to wake up early if one feels that more stuff gets done during the day, instead of doing it solely beacause one doesn’t want to have a bad day. It’s much easier to not overeat if… (I don’t know this one, which is probably why I overeat) than just not wanting to get fat. It’s much easier to train because you like the energy it gives you rather than because well, you don’t want to get fat.

The first discipline I can deal with, because there’s always something that needs to get done and there’s the instant satisfaction of getting those morning chores done. The other two… I’m missing the instant satisfactions that make it easier to hold out in the long run! Thus, it’s all about disciplin, and I don’t have enough willpower to hold down more than one discipline.

Anyone got any tips?

I Never Thought I’d Find a Hobby… July 29, 2009

No matter how many positive comments I get for my new haircut one can always count on parents to be dubious to it. They never mean anything bad by it, but I’m their baby and always will be. Heh. Well, that wasn’t the reason for the post today. Today it’s about how awesome I am!

Don’t know if I’ve written it before, but me and the Bear have made a of tradition of him buying fresh buns on his way home from his nightshift (around  5 am) and then having breakfast together before we go back to bed. Today though, I thought I’d take full use of the morning and got up, kept him company and then as he went to bed, I went training. Wasn’t sure I’d actually go ahead and do it, but I did. yay! (Aren’t I the best?) Now, I’m sitting here eating my daily morning porridge truly feeling great about myself.

Yesterday I sat all evening putting together my little cookbook/scrapbook that I had started ages ago but never actually gotten that far with, and today (if it isnt’ too expensive), I thought I’d get some some knitting stuff to bring with me to the summerhouse so I can have something to do there. Homely Maina.

Bringing me to the next subject. For once, I feel like I actually have something to do when I get to the summerhouse. Driving “lessons” with my dad, maybe some knitting, maybe a new i phone to figure out, work on one of my projects, and spend some time with my dear parents. Oh, and it’s the dear dad’s birthday while I’m there. (Although I’m not sure how good of a present the fear of crashing while letting me drive the family car is!) Of course, theory and practice are two seperate things and once with the parents I know I turn into a lazy bum, but since getting rid of the TV I’ve found myself quite enjoying the calm and just fiddling with different stuff. I’m able to relax without getting fidgety, restless and bored, which are all quite neccessary characteristics to be able to enjoy the summerhouse I’ve noticed.

I knew getting rid of the TV was a good idea.

Today though, I have a few things to take care of before working the evening shift.

- Pay a bill and set a date for my driving lessons, fix my bicycle, go to the bank, get my grades fixed, check out knitting stuff and maybe go to the library to get some knitting stuff. -

Sweet kisses to all!

Sowing Stuff July 24, 2009

So, I unpacked my mum’s old sowing machine. I’ve cleaned it up and gone through the manual with it. I am completely fascinated by all the stuff that can be done with it!

All the stuff it's supposed to hold....

...And there's the stuff it does hold

Ok, so the reverse button is stuck (which I thought I’d try to fix that today) and the “tool box” looks mysteriously empty (which I’m gonna raid the summer house for when I get there next weekend), but so far, it’s all very cool. I really like the fact that it’s my mum’s old sowing machine although I can’t imagine she used it very much!

My brains going into high drive for all the clothes I can finally fix and all the half-interesting things I could give my own Maina touch to as well making things I’ve seen in stores that I love but as I have the opposite body shape as the apparent norm, I can’t wear. (Yes, there’s a risk I’ll end up looking like a hippy) The great stuff it’s all relatively easy stuff… at least it seems like it. My point is… I can’t wait to get started.

The fact that I got about 2000kr more this month than I thought I would, makes it possible for me to put a little money into getting the stuff I want. *awesome*

First of all though, I’m off to jog of the very tasty moose kebab with and deep fried camembert cheese I had last night. (Helsingborgs festival kicked off yesterday). Yay for all the gross sounding yet so yummy foods that gather during this period!  (I thought I’d try and find a crêpe stand that might try and make my very strange cheese and chocolate crêpe.)

Sweet fascinated kisses to the lot of you!

Stupidity June 27, 2009

Seriously, the more I read the newspaper, the more I think that people in general, are very stupid. I’m not classing myself as highly intellectual, or even higher than average, but come on…

Maybe I’m just having a bad and irritative day, had a bad start of the day after all.

On a positiv aspect I can now apparantly run 3 km without getting a heart attack.  Althought this is on a running machine, I have a feeling it’s a little easier to do 3 km on one of those than free style.

Kisses to all.

Summer plans May 27, 2009

My dear Bear counted out how many hours I’ve been working and travelling to, from and inbetween work these past months and decided the total was between 50-60 hours per week! I was shocked. It’s no wonder I now feel like I’ve got vacation this summer even if I’m working (albeight with just one job). I mean, this coming month I’m working about 90h… for the whole month. Quite the difference.

The most wonderful part of it though, is that I finally have all the time I could want to do all that things I haven’t had the time to do for a very long time. All the little things I used to take care of without quite realizing what a difference it made and a few projects to get started with!

The things I want to try and get done this summer:

1. Finish painting the apartment
2. Driving lessons
3. A webpage/organisation I hope to get started
4. Routine training atleast 3x week 
5. Stick with a diet and loose 5kg (in fact I’m not allowed to buy myself any clothes until I do!)
6. SUNBATHE

Not a bad list eh?

Sweet kisses to all.

Silly Type of Training January 17, 2009

This sounds supersilly, but we’re toilet training our cats. Reading this blogg, one could think it’s super easy, and I thought having wo cats they would learn fast as they’d show one another how it’s done, but no. I’m realizing it’s double the training.

Oh well, when it’s all done, we don’t have spend money on sand every month, take time to filter through the sand every night before going to bed and last but not least, we’ll be having the coolest cats in the neighborhood. Quite the perks.

Kisses to all.

Completely Pointless Post :) January 15, 2009

Best training tip I can give? Eat about 1 1/2 hours before training. Today was the first time this week I ate after the training, and I found myself straining more than I have the other two times. (Plus I eat more)

Well, atleast I’m not the only one completely fried. I vacuumed today so the cats are, as usual, completely exhausted from all the fear and excitment.

Sweet kisses to all!